Narcissism by thought, word and action

Even though it is a buzzword of our time, the subject of narcissism is ever poignant. We all have a predilection toward pride, and we all have times when we feel entitled, and I think most of us flip-flop between thinking we are less or more than we are. But there is a special kind of person who seems to have a special gift for exploitation, for an amazingly compassionless entitlement to have their own way, and a sense for power that can only be destructive. This person cannot and will not change. Read that again. Unless they can be honest.

Honest about the destructiveness of their actions. Honest about the dichotomy between their words and their actions. Honest enough to apologise. Honest enough to accept the consequences of their wrongdoing. Honest enough to know that when trust falters, it takes time and effort and will to regain that lost trust and respect. Humble enough to seek forgiveness. Can you see how this is a bridge too far for many people, and those who cannot recover are narcissists.

Those who are narcissistic my thought, by word, and by action are a study in themselves. It’s a bit like studying concepts like humility and love; narcissism is the same, because whilst these three examples are so completely polar opposite, they are all broad, much broader in concept and in reality than they could be even be attempted to be described in volumes of books.

The person who is narcissistic can do our head in by the fact that they are hard to pin down and define—that their thoughts, words and actions in symphony are so confounding to hear. They may say all the right words, and they may even have mastered the skill at drawing empathy from the empath. They may have weaponised their emotions; they know when to put on the waterworks, and when to remain stony-faced, how to hold eye contact, and how to be sincere. They know how to extract our sympathy. They wear us down. And they always seem to win, almost as if life is one long competition. In other words, they know how to get what they want.

The saddest thing is that narcissists can cause us to lose trust in everyone, because if one person can totally betray our sense for discernment, perhaps everyone is potentially as sociopathic as this one. But not everyone is. Most people are nothing like sociopathic.

So if someone continually tires you out, and they never seem to be wrong, and you are always the one to apologise, and they don’t seem to listen to you but always demand to be listened to, and they can always sound like the victim, and they always require others to change, but can’t or more appropriately won’t change themselves, you may have a narcissist on your hands.

Of course, we need to be careful. We all have the capacity for narcissism. I’ve had times in my life when I have behaved narcissistically. My relationships at these times were always hard; hard on them and I. I’m thankful for others’ perseverance with me at these times.

But there is a key difference between a person who occasionally nudges into it, and a person rooted in the stubbornness of self-will. They are often on the road to self-destruction, and they’re perfectly willing to take others with them on that path.

Narcissists think selfishly, they speak selfishly, and they act selfishly, and they seem incapable of operating differently. But you need to really know them to know this. For they are charming, and winsome, and engaging, and can even put on the persona that they are wholesome. In the early going in our relationships they can even appear to be willingly vulnerable and empathetic. And this is the saddest part. When the veneer is scratched away, a bit like the rotten apple we bite into, they neither look good nor taste good to our soul.

Photo by Sebastien on Unsplash