Praying with a spirit of closure after narcissistic abuse

Closure is a concept I’ve not readily adhered to, but I recognise it’s important for many; to believe that closure works and that it is possible. And even if it’s only a placebo, placebos do work through the power of the mind coaching the body toward destiny. But, having said this, I don’t believe closure is simply placebo. It really is possible, but only in certain conditions.

I do believe God calls us to pray for all our relationships, and not least for those that have gone south; where, in the present case, the spirit of criticism or oppression has convinced us it’s time to move on.

It’s far too easy to be angry toward the person who has left us racked with trauma for the abuse incurred through the situations of the relationship we were in. Before we realised, it’s too late to regret what has now taken place.

It’s far too rational and reasonable to be annoyed that we couldn’t get through to them. Before we realised, we’d never get through.

It’s far too devastating that they don’t apologise like any genuine (repentant) Christian might for the hurt they caused. Before we realised, they won’t repent because they can’t.

It’s far too simple to think these things. These are our defaults.

Those who showed narcissistic traits with us when we related with them will not suddenly stop behaving narcissistically when we’re estranged. It’s like expecting a person to treat us better after we asked them to give the gift we gave them back, compared with when they first received the gift. Why would they? There is less motivation for them to be reasonable than ever.

And of course, we’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have the capacity to be reasonable. They may appear to be reasonable when there’s something for them to gain, but they definitely will NOT be reasonable, nor comply with reasonable requests, when they might stand to lose.

So, how do we reach an acceptable closure? Prayer. The answer is always prayer. But how do we pray if we hope to make even an iota’s difference as far as our own moving on process is concerned?

It’s all about the orientation of our prayers. Where are they pointed?

If they’re pointed as prayers of imprecation (yes, that’s a thing), and we pray that God would smite them for their wickedness, even though in some ways these might be godly prayers, they don’t serve us well in the long run.

If we pray prayers that God would transform our own hearts, that God would alleviate us of our feelings toward them, these too are godly prayers, but we may find they might still miss the mark in terms of effectiveness if we want closure.

But if we pray prayers that reflect a particular heart, we will steer ourselves in the direction of closure. To do this, we must get inside the narcissist and truly understand WHY it is they’re so recalcitrant. Why are they such ignoble bullies? Why is it they have no capacity to love? Why is there such wilful paucity of spirit in them?

If we know them, we probably know why. The dysfunction was inflicted upon them from early on by a cruel parent perhaps. Maybe they were never loved and have rejected the idea that they’re not loveable as much as they resented everyone who’s been loved. If we can see the root of the envy, pride and malice in them, the reason for their guile, and we can understand how it got there, two things happen.

1) we become grateful for all that we’ve been given in this life, not least the capacity to love and be loved. And, 2) we genuinely pity them that their lack is due at source to a lack of love.

All narcissism is due to a lack of being loved, whether it was through the neglect of abuse or the neglect of being spoilt rotten and raised to feel entitled. Both of those occur through a lack of love.

What makes closure possible is a change of heart. We can’t simply decide we’re closing a chapter in our life on a whim. Our hearts change when we pity the one who, no matter how much they got from us, will never ever have what we have. 

Get to a place like this and that pity for them will drive a prayer life where you’ll pray they finally do “get” love, but not for your sake; for theirs! It’s difficult for survivors to get to this sense of closure, but it is vitally pivotal, because, once we’re there, healing happens at once.

It’s a great love that has us dying to ourselves because we’ve been loved, so much so that we pray that the person in our life who hasn’t been loved would know the love that we know. This is not about being better than they are. This is about wanting for them something we already have—a love that gives us the capacity to love. 

Photo by @gebhartyler on Unsplash