5 Ways to NOT be the Narcissist

Don’t you just love articles that begin with “5 ways...”

Yes, I think they’re boring too.  My point is, once you begin to see narcissism in others, you begin to see it in yourself (hopefully), and if you’re Christian, that bothers you.  

First, let me pray the kind of prayer all us Christians ought to be praying: “Lord, can You help me to do something about this, so other people’s experience of me isn’t what would tick me off if I were them?”  AMEN.

One thing I can assure you of is that there is far more narcissism around than possibly ever before.  Life has never been easier from a convenience viewpoint.  Yet there is a case that the world has never more been so visibly divided.  Conflict abounds.  And unmitigated trauma besets so many of us, and when that’s not healed—or when we’re not truthful with ourselves and humble about the trauma we carry about us in our bodies—narcissism results.

Let’s apply Jesus’ “Golden Rule” of Matthew 7:12:

In everything, then, do to others
as you would have them to do to you;
For this is the essence
of the Law and the Prophets.

Jesus is saying that we wrap up our entire faith system in loving God by loving others to this extent—yes, especially when it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, and where conflict abounds.  The “Law and the Prophets”—pretty much the Old Testament, or all the Scripture written when Jesus was alive.

It doesn’t matter how we live to the extent that anyone can think US the narcissist with the least cause at all for that thinking.  But, being Kingdom thinkers, what others think is nothing to us.  Or should be.  What GOD thinks, however, is to be our immediate interest.

This is why we MUST live the Golden Rule to such an extent that we’re willing to suffer that someone else would live.  In other words, if anyone is a narcissist, we would prefer it be THEM.  We would rather suffer than cause people to suffer.  Antithetical, I know!

I know that that would seem harsh to anyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse, but please look at it this way.  Even more important than our comfort and our suffering is the Kingdom in our hearts.  Jesus has told us that we WILL suffer in this life, and he has also alluded to the idea that many Christians (let alone non-Christians) carry a Pharisaic spirit.

Jesus has warned us NOT to be one of them (Matthew 7:15-23).

This is why there can be great joy in our hearts notwithstanding the things a narcissist will do to us, for the pure fact, hopefully, we won’t do those things to them.  Or, others.

Can you see the temporal and eternal significance of this?

I say these things to be an encouragement.  Also, if you’re not safe, get out.  You do not sin to get out of an abusive relationship.

Now to those five ways to NOT be the narcissist:

1.    Keep all of life at short account – all your relationships, all your dealings, all your conflicts; all your grief and healing.  Live with everything in you, the ministry of reconciliation.  What I mean by that is this: hold short accounts with everyone; be quick to apologise and be humble; rather be seen as humble than right.  Hold short accounts with your habits; be honest when they turn into dependencies and addictions.  None of us is immune from addiction!  But addiction is resolved by going deeper into our emotional dysfunctions—we get addicted because we don’t want to feel pain.  So, find safe ways to FEEL your pain.  There you meet Jesus!

2.    Be on the watch for entitlement, empathy and exploitation – these are the signposts of progress and regression to watch for.  Entitlement is sin and it’s in each one of us.  Watch for it.  As Dr John Townsend says, we all have pockets of entitlement.  Get interested in rooting these out, being honest about what we insist on or demand above making reasonable (and sometimes essential) demands for our safety.  Watch for a lack of empathy.  How despicable that some so-called Christians are demonising empathy and treating it as a sin!  No, the Golden Rule IS empathy.  Everyone hates to be exploited, so it goes to show that we should want peoples’ experience of us to reflect peace.  We ought to feel safe in relationship.  At all times.

3.    Learn about narcissism – you will find there is a plethora of resources out there on this topic.  Read the reputable ones.  Psych Central, for instance.  Anything academic that you can digest.  But read through the filter of your own life, even as you contrast how you feel when others treat you narcissistically.  Don’t be so closed or fearful to your own narcissism that you resist seeing it.  God shows us so we can repent.  It’s godlier to sin and repent than it is to pretend we don’t sin in the first place (1 John 1:8-10).

4.    Keep some narcissists in your life – God put them there for you to study.  Not to judge, but to study, and to learn to love.  Sure, you’ll be angry or preoccupied in your mind with them at times, but properly used they help us see our own bent toward our selfish heart desires.  I’m not for one-minute advocating keeping sociopaths or psychopaths in your life.  Keep the safe narcissist in your life; you know the one, who’s selfish and self-absorbed but in the less harmful ways.

5.    Be honest, be honest, be honest some more – there’s no limit to what God can teach us, but if there is any limiter it’s how honest or dishonest we are.  Can I be this blunt?  Any of us can achieve incredibly—not least, the most incredible healing—if only we’re brave enough to be honest.  Being dishonest always holds us back!  But we think we are being honest.  Just wait and see when you say to God, “Lord, here I am, more honest than ever; show me what I don’t yet see.”  God will show you many deep things that will cause an avalanche of guilt and shame.  All God desires is that we look, face the actual facts, and do not submit to the guilt and shame any more than is required to commit to doing better from now on—there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).  The beautiful thing about this is we only need to BEGIN to start doing it and God blesses us with fruit in our lives that we cannot deny.  Hence, we’re rewarded for every honest work that flows from a courageously humble heart.  The honest life is the abundant life.  All will be given unto us who commit to such a life (Matthew 6:33).

Photo by Dawid Zawiła on Unsplash