What It's About

TRIBEWORK is about consuming the process of life, the journey, together.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

The relationship you have God’s blessing to leave

This may not sound very pastor-ish, but I have seen my fair share of damage in order to authoritatively say this: if you are unsafe in your relationship, leave.
But you know it’s funny; the conditioning we get as Christians, and a triple portion is granted to the pastor; the default is to keep people together.
We’re fighting against what we think is unbiblical—that to end marriages is diabolical. But I truly think it is more unbiblical to do the kind of ministry that keeps people together when there is clear toxicity in the relationship.
I am admonished by the psychology and by my own experience; narcissistic partners have very little hope—dash it, none—of having the awakening they need to bring insight to life. Whoever will not repent, cannot.
Those who don’t have the capacity to be honest
don’t have the insight nor the will to change.
This is where my AA days have come in most useful. 160 meetings in 11 months taught me some valuable life lessons, as did the Twelve Step Program.
It is surprising the value any human being can derive in being in an AA meeting for the first five minutes where the chapter called “how it works” is read out aloud before the throng… if they have insight into themselves.
This chapter, and indeed the whole Big Book, is written not only for the alcoholic, but also for the narcissist:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates… They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty… [but, people do recover] if they have the capacity to be honest.” (p. 58)
The very best Christians, indeed the very best people, are the ones who have the capacity to be honest. It is ridiculous for any person, let alone a Christian person, to think they have nothing to learn and to believe others are always at fault.
It is a most heinous thing for any human being to be beyond insight; to believe the problems rest in others and not in themselves. This is essentially narcissism, which is the mark of the beast on a person who cannot see their sin. They are Satan’s instrument. They are damaging individuals to be in a relationship with, and their relationships will resound with toxicity, unless, like birds of a feather, they flock together (in feeding one another’s egos).
When we are in a relationship with someone who presents as charming to outsiders, and when alone are tyrants, who may undermine us to others with their gaslighting, who will be enraged when we ‘press their buttons’, who are always right and never wrong, who constantly leave us confused, and who hardly ever (or never) take responsibility, and who may apologise but never change; we do have the right to leave.
We put the onus on the partner bearing narcissistic tendencies; but if they are truly narcissistic, they won’t change.
Those who do not have the capacity
to be honest cannot recover.
Reading this article may leave you feeling deflated and relieved at the same time. I’m sorry for that, but it is clear to me that there are too many relationships where sensitive, good-hearted people are trapped by the need to stay in a relationship for image-management purposes alone.
But a final word of caution: when we do leave, we can expect for things to get worse before they get better. The narcissist always makes it about how bad, unkind, and sinful you’ve been. It’s very sad.

Photo by Chris Sabor on Unsplash

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.