I don’t care who you are; you have no right to treat me like that

One word tests, typifies and guides all relationships. One word is the sieve through which we can sift the motives, words and actions of all who pass through our life. One word, alone, will give to us the power of discernment, so no longer will we live in wonder as to when a wrong relationship will ever be made right.

Do we allow behaviour in our culture, or in our family, that excuses disrespectful and boundary-breaking behaviour? Is a person really allowed to get away with whatever self-absorbed behaviour they feel like without being held to some account?

No. That is the simple answer. Applying our “no” is the harder matter, for there are bound to be vigorous protests made as a result. Let it be.

The word is not “boundaries,” though I would suggest that when the word is invoked, boundaries are the sensible conclusion. Narcissistic behaviour demands boundaries.

There’s the word! Hidden in the last sentence, albeit in a different context.

The word is demand. Wherever there’s a person demanding anything of us, that’s a red flag right there. People can make specific demands, or they can behave in demanding ways, and of course it’s not unusual when both are employed; a specific demand spoken in a demanding way. How much worse when the behaviour of a particular person is consistently demanding?!

There are many situations where a family member, a partner, a co-worker, even a boss might overstep their side of the boundary. Let’s face it, anyone who wants to relate with anyone in a positive and loving way will always seek to know where the boundary is and take care not to cross it. Occasionally we may feel for the boundary and slightly overstep, yet we would respond in humility when we’re cautioned—if we’re not a demander.

The demander has an entitlement mentality and they feel they’re entitled to behave as if existing boundaries are non-existent or don’t matter. They may know they’re there or they may not care that they’re there. It certainly isn’t the case that they don’t know. 

The demander isn’t someone who demands on the odd occasion; they’ve come to be characterised as demanding. Even as they enter the room, or we’re aware they could enter the room, we’re on tender hooks, walking on eggshells around them.

The demander is never happy even if we bow to their demands. They insist upon winning a battle where nobody wins. It’s their way or the highway, and everyone has to adjust because they refuse to look at the incredible baggage they carry.

The demander even seems set on crashing through new boundaries that for us become new frontiers of indignity and arrogance. Is it their intention to upset us? I think many times it’s a yes. Somehow in all this there is the desire within the demander to say, “See, look how THEY responded negatively!” We will be gaslit for enforcing our own boundaries.

He only thing that works in the relationship with a demander is boundaries, and we know when the boundary is effective because we feel their heat, whether subtly or bold.

Anyone who demands of us, especially with incredulous consistency, ought to be quarantined. And yet, it is all too familiar that the person we want to be protected from will often be the one we must accommodate.

But not without boundaries.

Now, I do realise that all this needs to be highly nuanced. If we’re serious about loving everyone in our midst that includes the narcissist. We love them best with graciously firm boundaries, for their own good, if not ours and others’.

Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash