Not out of a desire to condescend, I bring this to you for those women who would gladly be a rehab if it would change him. He may even support such a fanciful idea.
I do know that there is the reverse to this—Buddy, you will not be able to change her—but by far and away, this is the common theme. So many times, we’ve all fallen into the trap that we think we can change people. We can’t. Nobody can change unless they resolve to change themselves; that they can see the value in changing and then put plans into place and then fulfil them.
The persons we get to know in our relationships—once the “romance” has long fizzled out—which is anywhere from between two and 12 months—are the persons we’re stuck with. Oh sure, it is certainly the reverse. They, too, are stuck with us. Hopefully in all cases people get stuck with partners who are ready for a relationship. Many people are not.
He is not your project.
Well, unless you choose to embark on a renovation that will not only never be complete but one that may cost you more than everything you own, including your sanity, your health, your wellbeing, your future. In too many cases, fast forward just a year or so and that is all too often the scenario many women face. And if it’s a lifetime, it can often feel like a lifetime wasted.
Imagine it being the kind of thought that you may not even register is there. Let’s face it, who would admit to thinking that we believe we can change the man our hearts have chosen? Well, the problem is this is very often the underlying dialogue in many beautifully empathic women, who just want to believe he will change if he’s loved and nurtured enough.
Any man who needs such devotion is not ready for a relationship, let alone the devotion you may be so willing to pour into him. It should be quite the reverse. You are an empath. You won’t demand a thing typically, but by your nature will give yourself sacrificially without a moment’s thought. You think he has this capacity—this potential—in him. Most men do not! (I can tell you now, and I say this to my shame, I still serve others much more willingly than I do my own family. It’s not that my family misses out, but my wife is more intrinsically motivated around family than I am. And I observe this in many men. So, let’s not fall for a fallacy.)
A man who is ready for a relationship will exercise patience and self-control. There would be little in him needing change. The very thinking that “oh, he’ll change, he’ll improve” is folly. It may work in 2 percent of cases. Are you willing to gamble with such odds? If you are, you may believe that you have special powers to initiate and support such change. That thinking begs solemn reflection. It’s actually a dangerous way to think.
It may be that you see his potential, and that is the beautiful quality of your empathy. But empathy in these cases needs to be balanced with wisdom and self-restraint, and even a black hat. Do you really want to make your life a potential hell? I can tell you that there are remarkably high odds that you could be making the costliest mistake of your life.
The charmingest men weave their way into their partner’s hearts well before the partner realises who on earth they’re dealing with. It’s a Russian roulette to commit to him just because he’s charming. Most narcissists are charming as hell.
Many men truly think more with their little head than their big head when it comes to a relationship. That sounds crude and unfair I expect, but it is nevertheless true.
If a woman wants to test this out, and if longevity of relationship is the goal, which it should be, then she can see how well he responds to the word “no”.
This is actually a good way of determining whether you will see him as a project worth investing in for a lifetime. And not only in the first few months of the relationship. He needs to be able to accept your “no” throughout. That can start and have its definition within how you both interact physically, and especially sexually. If he’s rough with you in the slightest way at first it will only get worse.
He is not your project. No matter what happens in your relationship, he never becomes your project. You never become accountable for fixing him, no matter what happens in your relationship with him.
He is not your project. He was his parents’ project. They had 18 years and if they messed up, it’s not your fault. And if they’d done the best they could, and he’s still messing up, well of course that’s not their fault, and neither is it yours—and it certainly isn’t their responsibility or yours. You have responsibility for you.
This sounds harsh toward him, I know. She is not his project, either. Perhaps she’s cute beyond description. Maybe she deserves a break. Neither party should compromise a pleasant and liveable mutuality for an arrangement filled with co-dependence. Such a thing can only ruin hearts.
Acknowledgement to my friend Heather McEwan who suggested I write on this topic.
Acknowledgement to the she is not your rehab movement: https://www.facebook.com/sheisnotyourrehab/
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