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Sunday, December 22, 2019

Why psychological abuse is endured for so long before deciding to leave

I have often wondered if the more bruises we receive, the more “obvious” the abuse, the starker the damage being done, the less likely we’re to hang around. But psychological abuse is really just as damaging, and arguably more so, apart from the obvious fatalistic factors involved—physical violence can lead to maiming and murder. And yet, psychological violence also metes out anatomical and physiological changes! Trauma marks the body.
It’s normal for people to stay in abusive relationships far too long. Only afterward, after many years, and possibly several children, decades on in many cases, do people (usually women) finally leave. We might always ask why. Of an inexhaustive list, there are potentially many reasons.
It can take a long while (years and years) to determine that the love we have for an individual is no match for their toxic nature. No amount of charm can make up for such a calamitous shortfall in character.
It can take a long time to be able to finally accept they won’t change. It’s a sad fact that true repentance is comparatively rare; much change is due to a massive helping of God’s grace, combined with the conviction of the changed one’s heart. Honesty predisposes the whole process of repentance.
It can take ages to begin to comprehend the damage done, and not just to the self, but to one’s kids and others as well. When I say the word, “begin,” I really mean that. It can take a long time for the penny to drop. I’ve seen this in several areas of my own life, both personally and as a pastor and counsellor with a role in others’ lives. Realisations occur slowly and are not like revelations (which occur overnight), but a realisation can often come about through a revelation.
Having been poorly advised, especially by spiritual leaders and people we look up to, we may have made a range of ill-advised decisions to stay in a toxic arrangement. “You have to give them a chance to repent... pray harder... be a better wife/husband... lead by your own example...” This kind of advice, while it can be well meant (sometimes it isn’t!), is damaging in the extreme, because it fails to look at the truth. Abuse must be confronted.
It can take ages before the pain of staying outweighs the disadvantages, stress and trauma of leaving; and only when one has left does the full enormity set in. Who willingly goes into a full-blown grief process? Only the one who has already done much grieving. The relief, the perspective, the regrets, the processing of grief, and the picking up of the pieces; these are just a scratching of the surface. 
It can take a long while to put all the pieces together—perhaps it’s an affair that exposes the character that has been emotionally and spiritually abusive, manipulative and engaged in gaslighting all along. It can take that long before we deduce that the varietals of abuse run in a pack—various forms of abuse (not just one) teem forth out of an immoral and unrepentant heart.
Whatever it is, it can take a long time to really accept that the other person can and will never take responsibility for the impacts that their own lives create. This is the crux of the issue. A whole litany of immorality is birthed from a person who has little capacity to be honest with themselves to the point that they can begin a journey of taking their responsibility. They never grow up. And sadly, their lack of courage makes them dangerous cowards.
Indeed, one of the more obvious reasons people don’t leave sooner is the perception or reality that it’s safer to stay. What horrendous evil makes that so! If we imagine how much worse they might treat us and those we love when the relationship is ended, it demands serious reflection. Of course, it’s also part of the mind game that “this” psychological abuse isn’t real abuse... let me tell you, it’s REAL abuse! Fear is fear!
Some, in their wisdom (yes, really true), stay because the risks of staying outweigh the risks of leaving. They determine strategies to minimise the abuse or the effects of the abuse. They use abusive experiences as object lessons and add these to their “life experience.” These can handle the tension that ambiguous environments and circumstances are replete with. Not everyone can. I admit, I’m one who can’t. There’s no shame in admitting this.
It can take an eon to understand, let alone to accept and therefore decide on a plan of action. It can take a very long time indeed to finally decide, “This person will NEVER repent; they’ll never be honest; they’ll never change! It’s up to ME to make the changes!”
Of course, there are times in some relationships when we find out all of a sudden that the relationship was a farce from the beginning; we feel foolish to be the last one to catch on. Part of us wants to say, “How could you have kept all that secret? Had I known the full story, I’d have left long ago.” Well, most people don’t buy it. Most people don’t want to get involved because they’re protecting our dignity, or they fear the personal ramifications. And, of course, we recognise this when we’re honest; these are awkward situations nobody wants to wrestle with. Often, it’s easier to wish them away.
I thank God for the #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements. Social media has made it possible for crucial social justice issues to come to the fore, where platforms of advocacy can begin to promote issues that have always plagued society and educate a growingly curious populace. Social action is inspired at the level of people’s personal lives.
There are many issues and reasons and “whys” I won’t have covered here; it’s an article and not a book after all, but the point should be well made. People endure abusive relationships and toxic environments often far longer than they should have, but as with everything, everything’s logical from hindsight. There are always very valid reasons why we endure pain.
Psychological abuse is just as, if not more an issue, as physical and sexual abuse, often because it underpins all abuse. It is evil and it should never be accepted. Perhaps the old Maya Angelou quote fits here to finish: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
The great advantage we do have in having endured abusive relationships is we’re gifted a discernment for the abusive nature. We can begin to see it in other relationships and other people, and it is also hoped that we can see our own capacity for abusing people.
Sure as anything, we will abuse people if we do not heal. While the abuse could never be our fault, our healing is our responsibility, whether it’s fair or not.
Those of us who take responsibility for our lives—even when that means picking up pieces that were scattered unfairly—will always prosper. This is a task for every single person on the planet. God is not being unfair.
Those who take responsibility for their lives will master their destiny.


Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

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