Love was, is, and will always be the ultimate challenge

At a recent family occasion, the celebration of my wife’s birthday, it was amazing how the presence of an infant — our granddaughter — completely changed the complexion of the family gathering.

We weren’t sure beforehand whether our granddaughter would be able to make it or not but when she did, her mere presence captivated the room and drew attention from every single adult and child present.

Her presence and her interaction with us all transformed the mood from what was an adult get-together to something where all the adults served the child attention that is given without thought.  And everyone had such a good time.  So much joy!  For that time, all adult worries disappeared as we entered the world of the child.

Love is like that.

Love enters and sweeps the room
and captivates everyone’s attention.

Where there is love there is no darkness, for where there is love there is only light.  Where there is love there is no room for hate, for love superintends trust that everyone will respond positively to what is a belief in them, themselves — love.  Think about it for a moment.  Nobody fails to respond to love done consistently and long enough.  And where there is love there is no room for fear, for again, love trusts even as long as love prevails.

But we live in a world that is, to a great and intrinsic degree, devoid of love, because we live in a world devoid of God.  The world wants its own way.  It wants to manufacture its own substitute for love, never quite comprehending that love is from God, and without God what may be presented as love is only a poor counterfeit.

Love was, is, and will always be the ultimate challenge for human beings, because we are not God, and yet we have been made in God’s image, so we are capable of this love.

We only need to abide in God, and our very being emits the fruit of love.  But we do not abide in God enough, and this is to be both understood and rectified — as far as that depends on us.

Now when we come to know that “God is love” it changes things.  There isn’t any point any longer in not feeling good enough that we can’t get love right all the time.

When “God is love,” there is a transcending of guilt and shame and fear.  We’re being called into God’s glorious light and when we start walking in God’s light the darkness cannot come.

Love constantly calls us to something bigger.  It’s accepting that we never ‘make it’, that we never ‘arrive’, when the whole world heralds the idea of making it and arriving, and so ‘making it’ and ‘arriving’ are for us no longer idols we demand or strive for.  We lose interest in ‘making it’ and ‘arriving’.

We lose interest in being right for the sake of being right.  Relationships, and living in harmony, are now more important than being right.  We agree together when we can’t agree, that God is right, and we walk arm-in-arm together in endeavouring to learn that right, which is neither ours nor theirs.  This love is actually a hard thing to live, because we must lose ourselves in the winning of us!

We just see the rabid folly in pretending we are gods.  Finally, we walk in freedom!

We finally understand that progress is enough for us, even as we debunk perfection, though we’re constantly compelled to outdo others in love.  This is no competition that sets us against others, but it is our commitment to the confidence within which God calls us heavenward to a splendid ideal.

If we are ever to be in error,
and that is truly our human default —
morally speaking —
we can know that Love is our guide as we recover.

Love cannot fail us.  But it takes enormous trust at times rescind our pride, our fear, our want of justice in our time and way.  Love will always carry us if only we will submit to it and only it!

What more can be said about Love?  How big and intricate is the universe and everything in it?

And the easiest way to sever a relationship in conflict is...

I am amazed at how common this very poor practice is.  It’s actually amazing how many times I’ve done this myself.  And I know why.  In conflict, like for many situations in life, but especially in conflict, we take the path of least resistance.

What I’m talking about is the practice of writing emails and sending text messages at the very time that the only thing that will fix the relationship is face-to-face communication.  Even a phone call is better than taking to the pen or shooting off a hasty text.

We are less bold and more accountable when we communicate face-to-face.  We are less likely to even attempt saying something that will upset the other person.  We are naturally more respectful in face-to-face communication because I suspect we fear instant reprisal.

Not wanting to hurt the other person is, deeper down, a vital self-protection mechanism.

When we speak face-to-face with someone we are in conflict with, we are also likely to be guarded and not say those things that we feel could also break the relationship.

This is a good thing in that some of the things we feel we simply cannot say mirror for the other person what they feel they cannot say.

The other person probably feels miffed too.  This is okay because there are a few relationships, and perhaps none, where we are allowed — or where it would even be beneficial — to say exactly what’s on our minds.

We need to be protected from ourselves for some of the thoughts we have about others.

The value of respect in relationships highlights this very point.  It would be better to not say everything on our mind if we know that there’s a guarantee the other person won’t say everything on their mind about us.  Again, when all is said and done, we’re highly motivated to protect ourselves.

But I digress.

The number of people I’ve counselled who end up in all sorts of relationship problems because they have relied upon communicating their anger, fear and sadness in writing rather than face-to-face pinpoints the problem.

They are not just relying on a highly impersonal means of communication; they are relying on a formal communication style to communicate very volatile and highly emotional information.

I’m sure you’ve been in the situation where you have responded to something volatile by email. After about the 10^th or 11^th paragraph, when you’re just getting wound up, when you see more and more of what they did wrong, and more and more of what you did right, you go over it again.  You tweak and fine tune it.  Then you hit “send”.

For the briefest of moments, we experience self-justification, and we may bask in that glory for a few moments or an hour or two, or anxiety might begin to sink in; we wait until we get their response, or worse, we wait for a response that never comes!

If we get their response, it can be a case of a powder keg going off, or they may communicate how hurt they are, and depending on the situation we might realise then that we’ve gone overboard.

Either way, they will probably reply by email!  See the chain of bad communication happening?  

If we get no response, we may quickly deduce that we burned the only bridge behind us, and there is no way back when the pangs of regret start to impinge.

How much better would it have been to pick up the phone, or to walk across the street, or down the hallway, or drive across the city, to have a coffee and a chat?  This kind of face-to-face communication is powerfully redemptive.  This kind of communication communicates that the person we are in conflict with is more important than the issue itself — which should always be the case, as far as it depends on us.

In the world of conflict, it is too easy to burn the person because we’ve decided this is a hill we are to die on. It is such a foolish way to live.

Wouldn’t it be far better to at least attempt to come alongside the person in the hope we might reach a mutual understanding?

Going their way a little will test their motives.  Going their way a little will reveal to us whether we’re dealing with a reasonable person or not.

But it takes real skill and authentically kind character to come face-to-face with another person we’re in conflict with.  It takes humility, vulnerability, courage and wisdom, all based in a love that is prepared to trust and believe the best about the other, to make the move to heal the relationship and to deal with the disagreement at hand.

I want to ask you to be honest, because I think we are all guilty of this.

It is far easier to justify our own behaviour, even if it’s wrong, than it is to seek to understand the other person before we make a judgement.

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Trying to help someone who won’t help themselves and it’s killing you?

“Trying to fix what you didn’t break, at the expense of your own wellness, is co-dependency.”  Of course, it seems so obvious to read it matter-of-factly like this.

But how many of us have found ourselves in relationships like this, where somebody makes it our responsibility to fix something that can only be theirs to fix?  How much worse when it’s a close friend, family member, or tragically, a life partner?

We learn to accept this too late in the piece, when the die is cast and set.  We’re not open to the idea that the love we’re giving is a false love, because it seems so sacrificial.  After all, we’re giving a love they don’t really deserve.  That’s how generous we’re being.  We’re giving a love that is costing us when we know it shouldn’t be.  That’s how much love we’re giving to this person, this situation, this relationship.  We’re filling a void, completing a gap, making something work that wasn’t or doesn’t.

Perhaps we’re loving this person, and are in this situation and relationship, because it is safe.  They can’t reject us while they need us, right?  But oh what a cost to pay!

Those who cannot take responsibility for their lives are unfit to be in a relationship.  They have missed that part of their development that equips them to be able to be their own person, which is prerequisite for being able to care for another person.  They have missed that part of their development that equips them to be able to care for you in return.  If you can care for them, why can’t they care for you?

A person who cannot assume responsibility for what they alone need to do is a liability on the lives around them.  A person who cannot reflect over situations of conflict and admit when they have contributed to the wrong is a liability to the one they’re in conflict with.

An adult person, without special needs, who requires another person to do something they alone should be doing is a toxic person to relate with.  The sign that this is happening is they’re not concerned for the health cost to you.  They feel they have a right to your health, and your ill-health is part of your devotion to them.

When it starts affecting your own physical, psychological and spiritual health, when you are the one getting depressed, over things you cannot control, you begin to wonder if this is really the right thing to do after all.

Where we remain in a co-dependent relationship, let’s watch for the compromises to our own health and the maladaptive choices we tend to make as a result.  It is a sinkhole syndrome city.

Being in a co-dependent relationship will cost you in more ways than you can put your finger on.  But you can restore the balance by setting and maintaining boundaries.

Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

When a calm response to conflict rouses an act of abuse

I’ve noticed a common dynamic recently.  Those who seem to respond well to being attacked are all the more susceptible to abuse, simply because in attacking them, the other person isn’t landing the emotional blows they had endeavoured to strike.

It’s the same with verbal jousts.  If a person responds well to slurs, insults and other vocal barbarisms, notwithstanding an aggressive tone, you can sure bet that things will hot up all the more.

And it’s all the same with covert passive aggressiveness cloaked in common bullying.  A response of kindness will not cause cruel, scapegoating treatment to abate.

Nothing gets a vindictive person more incensed than a lack of response in the one they’re trying to upset.

If you observe this in your own life, you’ll see it’s true.

It can leave you feeling like there’s no point in responding to conflict well.  A certain kind of person will not take no for an answer.  They will not see that you’ve responded to them respectfully, meeting their berating, chastising rudeness with relative kindness.  They see it as a red rag to a bull!

We can know that when this response is given to our holding our own in the conflict, that we potentially face a dangerous — and certainly a hostile — adversary.

Now, it would be different if someone was temporarily incensed, for they were intimidated by a poised, thoughtful, reflective response.  A good response to conflict when we’re upset can certainly be intimidating.

But if someone ups the ante and they insist on schooling us, if they insist on winning, we have a real problem, and I’d venture to say we’re dealing with someone happy to abuse a person for their own gain.  This should never happen in Christian circles, but it does, and far too much.  It’s the “I got God on my side” attitude, and it always leads to the misuse of that person’s power to overwhelm the other person.

What can we do about these situations?

We need to accept that the situation is probably going to go pear-shaped, no matter what we do to prevent such an outcome; no matter how much we act as peacemakers.

We can have faith in being gently authoritative (not authoritarian — there’s a difference), but we must realise there are limits.  Some people will just not respond to calm logic and sweet reasonableness in conflict.

I’ve had one situation in all my adult life where I applied calm, non-confrontational speech and it still didn’t work.  I’m glad I had this experience; however painful it was.  It showed me that even when we refuse to counterattack, that doesn’t mean the other person will back off.

As this article shows, there are people who will push all the harder because their stand over tactics aren’t putting us off.

We’ll need to accept that encountering some people in conflict will be a defining moment in our relationship.  Perhaps the relationship survives only long enough before the first real clash.

The best of relationships only become so because conflict can be negotiated; because both parties love each other enough to ensure mutual respect is a given.  And trust blossoms because conflict was handled peacefully.

Nothing can be done about these relationship situations, and trauma will probably result because of how we’re treated, which is ironic given that you did everything you could to respectfully disagree.

Photo by Chris Sabor on Unsplash

10 signs a person is ready to be a partner

Recently I have been reminded of the importance of singles getting ready for the relationship they crave.

It’s always a catch-22, however.  The more a single person readies themselves for a possible relationship, the more their hope silently rises to despair when those hopes are crushed, when, for the umpteenth time, nothing comes of it.

So, instead of readying ourselves for the relationship that’s still a little over the horizon, we ready ourselves in more general terms by focusing on being a blessing to others, for that is what being a good partner is, in any event.

These are 10 signs, from a counsellor’s perspective, that a prospective partner is ready for a relationship with you:

1.         They are their own person and don’t need you to complete them – they will allow you to be your own person, and even though you will be partners, you are free to come and go as you please.  This is more important in any relationship than most people think.  As a partner, you should never feel controlled.

2.         They have dealt with their baggage – meaning they’re not burdened by it to the degree that they and their baggage will be a burden to you.

3.         They are not addicted to anything – and if they have been, they have successfully been through a program of recovery, which also means they’re living a lifetime of recovery.  If someone is addicted to anything, that’s a red flag that you can never be first place in their life.

4.         Their existing relationships don’t feature a distinct toxic feel about them – we tend to become like those we associate with.  Do you want your safe world to implode simply by inviting chaos?  Those who seem on the surface to be lovely people can also in reality be very toxic.  It’s better to be single and at peace than be a partner to a narcissist.

5.         They don’t always respond poorly to conflict – they’re neither enraged nor withdrawn when they find themselves in conflict.  They’re able to consistently respect others with whom they’re in conflict.  Don’t gloss over poorly handled conflict.

6.         They think of others to the point that they can go without their own needs being met – and not just through the romantic first few months of your relationship.  This means they have the capacity to love you.  Love is action, not so much a feeling.

7.         If it applies, they get on okay with their ex-partner – this is however irrelevant if the ex is a sociopath or a psychopath.  We can tell a lot about another person by the way they treat their ex.  Imagine just for a moment that you too could be in that position years from now!  How do you imagine the present partner would treat you based on what you know of how they treat their ex now?

8.         Your loved ones, those you trust, have met them and they approve – this is important, because they will see things not so much through the rose-coloured glasses you’ll be tempted to see through.

9.         They feel safe – you don’t ever feel scared of them.  A big part of feeling safe is them being honest.  You should be able to unequivocally trust them.  Honesty and humility are everything in relationships.

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10.      They’re a responsible human being capable of looking after themselves, you, and any dependents that rely on them.  Better still if they consider such duties of responsibility a joy.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Feelings are not only normal, they’re vital for healing

“People are all about ‘feelings’ these days, and it’s pure silliness,” was how the conversation started at church one Sunday.  When I hear people downplay the role of feelings, I generally get a little suspicious of why.  I stayed in the conversation, though, because I knew there was some middle ground to reach.

There is no question that our feelings need to be governed, otherwise we can end up damaging ourselves and others, but a total negation of our feelings?

I like to think of feelings as the wind that pushes a sailboat along, where thoughts are the actual sails and rudder; they help direct the boat to where it’s trying to go.

Ideally, in the healed way of things, all our feelings are acknowledged, for they are what they are.  From feelings comes the opportunity of the mind to reflect over the felt state — to not judge either ourselves as wrong or how another person or people cause us to feel.

The reason we all battle with addictions or maladaptive ways of dealing with our lives is we don’t relish the pain of the rawness of our feelings.

We might think, “Hey, I’m not addicted to anything,” but if you listened to a contemplative like Fr. Richard Rohr you might come to understand addiction in a different way.

Again, we escape many of life’s hard-felt situations because of how our feelings cause us to feel.

We cannot enter a state of spiritual healing until we sit with what makes us feel inadequate, ashamed, worthless, guilty, fearful, sorrowful, etc.

There is no easy way out of it.  But it’s also not rocket science.  It’s not hard to understand.  But it is hard to bear at times.  And we always must acknowledge that we never arrive.  Feeling our feelings is a practice.

If only we can feel our feelings — and as Fred Rogers would say, “Everything’s mentionable, so everything must be manageable” — without fear we enter God’s process for experiencing the healing our Lord has ordained for us to feel.

As these feelings are depicted as a wind — the Spirit of God — and we’re contented to feel however we feel — even the ugly feelings — we then have the power to set our sails so as to direct ourselves wherever we choose.

Your feelings are important.  But they are only productive if we’re able to sit in them and reflect over them, learning to accept them for what they are.  God’s healing presence comes within this process.  It may seem hard, but it is possible, and in this we experience the healing hand of God.

God’s healing hand is manifest when our ugly feelings are calmed to the point where we hurt nobody, neither others nor ourselves.

Photo by Jairph on Unsplash

10 signs a date is ready to marry

Recently I have been reminded of the importance of singles to get ready for the relationship they crave.

It’s always a catch-22, however.  The more a single person readies themselves for a possible relationship, the more their hope silently rises to despair when those hopes are crushed, when, for the umpteenth time, nothing comes of it.

So, instead of readying ourselves for the relationship that’s still a little over the horizon, we ready ourselves in more general terms by focusing on being a blessing to others, for that is what being a good partner is, in any event.

I spent three years as a single after my first marriage collapsed and, in many ways, it was the hardest time in my life.

These are 10 signs, from a counsellor’s perspective, that a prospective partner is ready for a relationship with you:

1.         They are their own person and don’t need you to complete them – they will allow you to be your own person, and even though you will be partners, you are free to come and go as you please.  This is more important in any relationship than most people think.  As a partner, you should never feel controlled.

2.         They have dealt with their baggage – meaning they’re not burdened by it to the degree that they and their baggage will be a burden to you.

3.         They are not addicted to anything – and if they have been, they have successfully been through a program of recovery, which also means they’re living a lifetime of recovery.  If someone is addicted to anything, that’s a red flag that you can never be first place in their life.

4.         Their existing relationships don’t feature a distinct toxic feel about them – we tend to become like those we associate with.  Do you want your safe world to implode simply by inviting chaos?  Those who seem on the surface to be lovely people can also in reality be very toxic.  It’s better to be single and at peace than be a partner to a narcissist.

5.         They don’t respond to conflict like a reptile – they’re neither enraged nor withdrawn when they find themselves in conflict.  They’re able to consistently respect others with whom they’re in conflict.  Don’t gloss over poorly handled conflict.

6.         They think of others to the point that they can go without their own needs being met – and not just through the romantic first few months of your relationship.  This means they have the capacity to love you.  Love is action, not so much a feeling.

7.         They get on okay with their ex-partner – this is however irrelevant if the ex is a sociopath or a psychopath.  We can tell a lot about another person by the way they treat their ex.  Imagine just for a moment that you too could be in that position years from now!  How do you imagine the present partner would treat you based on what you know of how they treat their ex now?

8.         Your loved ones, those you trust, have met them and they approve – this is important, because they will see things not so much through the rose-coloured glasses you’ll be tempted to see through.

9.         They feel safe – you don’t ever feel scared of them.  A big part of feeling safe is them being honest.  You should be able to unequivocally trust them.  Honesty and humility are everything in relationships.

10.      They’re responsible human beings capable of looking after themselves, you, and any dependents that rely on them.  Better still if they consider such duties of responsibility a joy.  

This is obviously not an exhaustive list.  What else would you add?

Photo by Jonathan J. Castellon on Unsplash

Where there’s grief, there’s anger... (and sadness and fear)

A nation grieves.  Not a year goes past without some monstrous tragedy.  And there are all sorts of reactions.  

Anger!  Significant anger.  Yes, unbridled, white-hot, seething anger.  One corner of the community yelling at the other kind of anger.  It’s grief at the paralysing injustice of it all. 

And sadness.  So much sadness!  Perhaps better described as a sorrow that has no reconciliation.  

And then there’s the fear.  It was C.S. Lewis who showed us the paradoxical reality that in grief there is immense, confounding fear.

We see all of these in grief... and so much more... more emotions than there are words to describe them.

Grief brings out our inner more dormant anger.  It rages because it has to.  Especially in response to satanic violence that no feeling human being can deal with.  Unspeakable horrors.

But with the anger that rises seemingly out of nowhere, there’s such a cacophony of sorrow that the heart doesn’t know which way to turn.

And the fears.  Let’s not forget the fears.  How many women in dangerous relationships have been awoken to the reality of terrifying possibilities that emerge from the pit of hell itself?  What about the men who know they have the capacity for such terrors, but it freaks them out?  Or the men — and nobody wants to address this thought — who have the capacity to destroy lives they can no longer control?

More generally there’s our own grief (anger, sadness and fear) response.  Whether it’s a current issue or a loss from years ago that still causes great pain or it’s the case that a current issue triggers something from the past is irrelevant.  It’s all grief, and anger, sadness and fear (among many other unnameable emotions) are normal and part of the grief process.

It may not bring much comfort that these dark emotions are normal, but at least we know we’re human to feel them.  And we must feel them.  We feel them or we cease to be human.  A modicum of comfort may come when we recognise that our grief connects us with others in their grief.

It isn’t bad to be angry if you’re grieving, but it is important to achieve safe release.  It is horrible to feel sorrowful, but again, release is key, and this is why God created us with the capacity to shed tears.  And if we’re racked with fear, we’re best to share those fears with people who might comfort us and help us feel safe.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash