How do I not partner with another narcissist?

This is such a common question that is either asked or begging to be asked.

People come out of a relationship that was toxic, abusive through and through, where they were taken for granted at every step, to the point they’ve ended up a wreck.  How to recover and what to do, hazard the thought, to commence another relationship?

Let’s take these questions in turn.

1.          How does a person damaged by a narcissist recover?

This is a question too hastily answered, for there are so many varieties of abuse, abuser and victim, and effect of abuse.  It might be easier to cite the evidences of healing as signs a foray into new life is achievable.  Go into another relationship too early and, as we all know, it often spells disaster from the outset.

First of all, we cannot judge ourselves, and we shouldn’t let others either, for taking longer to heal than we think it should take.  Recovery almost always takes longer than we’re prepared for.

Signs of healing are we’re taking a newfound joy in moments (doesn’t need to be all the time) when we’re alone, life is manageable again, and we’re able to take our responsibility — in other words, we’re no longer taking theirs.  And we’re readier than ever to never compromise on this again.

2.         How does a person explore another relationship?

If we determine we’re ready for another relationship, and it’s only us who will listen to ourselves, and we don’t just fall into another relationship because it feels good, it’s up to us know how to hold our new partner gently to account.

We can’t afford to let him get away with what we know are his entitlements.  If he is entitled in any way, unless he’s honest about it, he will lack the capacity to take responsibility, and let’s face it, even if he’s honest, he may still refuse to take responsibility.

We cannot take his responsibilities from him.  We must allow him to be adult.  It’s what he can expect from us.  We must insist he be adult if we desire an adult relationship, and we must, and we must insist he be adult without it descending into you feeling like you’re his mother.

True narcissists never appear narcissistic from the get-go.  We don’t see it in the early going, even if others do.  You may feel truly deceived by the last one.  He was charming and swept you off your feet, but it wasn’t your fault that he manipulated you.  It’s all his fault.  But these facts won’t help you.  They just make you madder.

Don’t be afraid of skipping some of the gooeyness of the romance phase of the new relationship.

It would be wiser and more sustainable in the long run to state what you need, trust that it’s not unreasonable, and stick with it.  Make some boundaries before you even get to first base.  And don’t compromise no matter how tempted you are to go easy on him.

If he’s the right one, he will respect you for holding your own.

If he’s a narcissist, you’ll find out sooner.

NOTE: “He” in this could easily also be “she”.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash