Red flags and the impact of narcissism in relationships

What is it that a person needs to be capable of in holding a relationship?  People may presume that because we can all have relationships, that we are all capable of holding a relationship.  But this isn’t the case.  The fact that we live in a world and we’re surrounded by people is one thing; it doesn’t mean that just because there are people all around, and that we cannot escape people, that we or they are capable of holding a relationship.  Just because a person craves a relationship doesn’t mean they’re ready for one.  In reality, it takes a lot of preparation of character to be ready, because part of readiness is the readiness to continue in humility.

Without humility in both parties the relationship will be dysfunctional.  And many dysfunctional relationships end badly.  Quite plainly, dysfunctional relationships should not be.

Just because a person finds themselves in a relationship doesn’t mean they are capable of tending to the relationship.  And the evidence of all of this is the amount of relational breakdown that occurs; 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and yet marriage is just the tip of the iceberg, because we know there are so many other varieties of relationship breakdown that occur beyond marriage.  For every marriage relationship, there must be ten or twenty other different kinds of relationships, and all of these require humility on both sides for them to work.

If we accept this premise, and it is good to really comprehend how much work of humility is required in making any relationship work, we will take care to only enter into relationships with genuinely humble, safe people.

But the world is a perilous place, full of people that we cannot know, and we cannot know anyone until we genuinely get close to them; by then it is too late, because we see the red flags very nicely from hindsight, when beforehand we would’ve been completely blind to them.  This is why we need to humbly listen to those wise ones who love us; those we ought to be able to trust.

The tragic irony is how often we seem to be called into or drawn into relationships either with unsafe people and/or those who press our triggers.  It is a very sad reality to comprehend that no matter how much humility we bring into a relationship, if the other person isn’t humble, if they seek to blame others instead of taking their own responsibility, and worse if they have the skill to pull the wool over our eyes and the eyes of others, we will end up harmed.

So what are the qualities of those who are capable of a relationship, and let’s remember this isn’t just about marriage, because inevitably any partnership, any friendship, is a kind of marriage — wherever a broken relationship causes a world of pain:

§     they will not always be right; they will accept being wrong – the very best in all relationships is the ability for both to be wrong on occasion

§     they will be able to hear dissension and not feel they are being betrayed – we should all be able to bear people disagreeing with us

§     they will allow us to have relationships with other people, and they won’t get jealous or envious – or if they are, they will be honest about it, being able to communicate why they feel this way in a way that isn’t threatening and has some logic about it (and don’t be gaslit into them convincing you they’re ‘logical’ if you don’t feel they are.  Trust your gut)

§     they won’t cause us to be constantly doubting ourselves – they won’t be destructive forces bludgeoning our self-esteem or self-image – in short, they won’t be gaslighters

§     the word “no” will be an acceptable term in the parlance of the relationship – “no” will have reverence about it, and “no” will be respected

§     if there are reasons to review the relationship – because it isn’t working – two adults will be able to discuss this respectfully – there is no ownership of the other in relationship

§     there will be neither goading or being goaded – neither party will goad the other and in not being goaded there will be no response of goading the other (goading = inciting, provoking, needling)

§     in conflict, there will be a preparedness to see one’s own part – the practice and proficiency of heartfelt and repentant apology

§     There won’t be the charming-controlling dichotomy present – charming initially, controlling when you truly get to know them – their charm then has others hoodwinked as to ‘how good a catch’ they are (when you know they’re controlling but they have the capacity to conceal this)

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Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash