For the ‘narcissist’ committed to recovery

Let’s assume you’ve been labelled a narcissist.  There’s only one way to prove the label wrong.  That is to repent from all behaviours of manipulation.  It is to turn from feeding off others.  It is to reject the rejecting of others.  It is these and so many more actions that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that whilst you perhaps have behaved narcissistically, it isn’t truly who you are.  Yours is the opportunity.

Everyone can get it wrong from time to time.  We all have the capacity to manipulate people and situations.  We’ve all engaged in it.  But it’s the narcissist who is characterised by it; it’s their default.  They can’t help themselves.  Now is the time and opportunity to show that manipulation isn’t truly your default behaviour.  (If it has been, the first step is to confess it before anything else — repentance necessarily needs to be a constant and lifelong process; by this is defined true Christian faith.)

For those who live with a narcissist, or those who cannot escape the web of deceit they’re trapped in, the only wish is that there would be safety without needing to:

§     walk on eggshells;

§     second-guess every move;

§     worry constantly that a word spoken in truth would elicit rage or long sulking withdrawals;

§     experience the derision of contempt;

§     watch every action for the layering of motive;

§     etc............. (meaning, I’ve only scratched the surface).

Those who find themselves shackled to a narcissist are entitled to wiggle free of that bondage, but the paradox is the narcissist is full of spite in landing the last punch when others would gently deliver the message.  For the narcissist, it’s full-on admiration or you don’t matter anymore!  No in-between.  No ‘live and let live’.

For those who might be labelled a ‘narcissist’ there is a way forward: 

Prove your world wrong that you aren’t.

Actions speak louder than words.

Words of intent that aren’t followed through demonstrate nothing.

Stop shouting, withdrawing, refusing to listen, and just simply act out of the humility of Jesus by serving others.

Start doing it and keep doing it........ for.... ever......

Actions of kindness, patience and grace are full of faith that slowly change people’s perceptions.  But be prepared that change must stick — it must be for the rest of your life.  It will be noticed not after days of change, but months, even years.  It will be noticed if you keep doing it.

Kind, patient and gracious actions come from a heart that is FOR the person who may be upset by you. (Avoid feeding the inner demon that says, “What about me?”  That demon takes you away from healing — yourself and others.)

Kind, patient and gracious actions come from faith that trusts that the kind, patient and gracious actions will be seen at the right time WITHOUT you drawing any attention to them which would only defeat your purpose.

Kind, patient and gracious actions must be done for Jesus and our Lord and Saviour alone.

Every human being that has ever wronged another human being, who is truly ‘in Christ’, can see what’s required to make amends.  What is required is to make amends!  No excuses.  No, ‘I did this, but you did that’.  None of that!

Such action comes from a heart that seeks to rebuild what was precious yet destroyed by your actions.

Narcissists are in the business of destroying people and relationships — and they’re the only ones who cannot see it.

Nothing that is destroyed, however, is beyond rebuilding if only the narcissist can repent.  Here’s the paradox: anyone who repents, by definition of their capacity to be honest, is not a narcissist.

So there’s your motivation to prove you’re not narcissistic: repent.  Prove you can make the actions count and do what it takes.  Go on, do it.  Be a Christian.  Christians are characterised by the fruit of the Spirit that underpins repentance — a constant turning back to God in their behaviour that shows that glorifying God is their supreme goal.

The person labelled as a narcissist is in an interesting position with the survivor of their abuse.  The survivor desperately wants their abuser to stop doing what they’re doing.  If only the abuse will stop, and the abuser can turn it around.  The real narcissist won’t.  They will admit to nothing and they will commit the reprehensible secondary abuse of refusing to admit what they did.  But just about every abuse is recoverable if only the abuser owns up and faces the survivor with the truth.

The real test of spiritual strength is to admit our fault, to confess it.  That takes courageous vulnerability that is beyond the shallow, hollow narcissist.

There you have it.  By their fruit we will know them.  Bear the fruit of the Spirit through repentance and be vindicated.  Continue in your toxic ways and you’ll deserve the label.

Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash