What It's About

TRIBEWORK is about consuming the process of life, the journey, together.

Wednesday, September 23, 2020

The difference between narcissism and not is repentance


Let’s think about the label, ‘narcissist’.  There’s only one way to prove the label wrong.  That is to repent from all behaviours of manipulation.  It is to turn from feeding off and the exploitation of others.  To the absence of empathy.  It is to reject the polarising admiring and rejecting of others.

Of course, everyone can get it wrong from time to time.  We all have the capacity to manipulate people and situations.  We’ve all engaged in it.  But it’s the narcissist who is characterised by it; it’s their default.  They can’t help themselves because feel justified to manipulate.  If a person labelled as a narcissist wants to throw off that narrative, now is the time and opportunity to show that manipulation isn’t truly their default behaviour.  (If it has been, the first step is to confess it before anything else — repentance necessarily needs to be a constant and lifelong process; by this is defined true Christian faith.)

For those who live with a narcissist, or those who cannot escape the web of deceit they’re trapped in, the only wish is that there would be safety without needing to:

§     walk on eggshells;

§     second-guess every move;

§     worry constantly that a word spoken in truth would elicit rage or long sulking withdrawals;

§     experience the derision of contempt;

§     watch every action for the layering of motive;

§     etc............. (meaning, I’ve only scratched the surface).

Those who find themselves shackled to a narcissist are entitled to wiggle free of that bondage, but the paradox is the narcissist is full of spite in landing the last punch when others would gently deliver the message.  For the narcissist, it’s full-on admiration or you don’t matter anymore!  No in-between.  No ‘live and let live’.

For those who might be labelled a ‘narcissist’ there is a way forward: 

They can prove their world wrong by exercising repentance.

Actions speak louder than words.  Repentance is about action, not words.

Words of intent that aren’t followed through demonstrate nothing.

They must stop shouting, withdrawing, refusing to listen, and just simply act out of the humility of Jesus by serving others.

They must start doing it and keep doing it........ for.... ever......

Actions of kindness, patience and grace are full of faith that slowly change people’s perceptions.  But change must stick — it must be for the rest of their life.  

Change will be noticed not after days of change....... but months, even years.  It will only be noticed if they keep doing it consistently.

Kind, patient and gracious actions come from faith that trusts that the kind, patient and gracious actions will be seen at the right time WITHOUT them drawing any attention to themselves which would only defeat their purpose.

Kind, patient and gracious actions must be done for Jesus and our Lord and Saviour alone.

Every human being that has ever wronged another human being, who is truly ‘in Christ’, can see what’s required to make amends.  What is required is to make amends!  No excuses.  No, ‘I did this, but you did that’.  None of that!

Such action comes from a heart that seeks to rebuild what was precious yet destroyed by their own actions.

Narcissists are in the business of destroying people and relationships — and they’re the only ones who cannot see it.

Nothing that is destroyed, however, is beyond rebuilding if only the narcissist can repent.  Here’s the paradox: anyone who repents, by definition of their capacity to be honest, is not a narcissist.

So there’s your motivation to prove you’re not narcissistic: repent.  Prove you can make the actions count and do what it takes.  Go on, do it.  Be a Christian.

Christians are characterised by the fruit of the Spirit that underpins repentance — a constant turning back to God in their behaviour that shows that glorifying God is their supreme goal, wanting more what God wants than what their hearts desire.

The person labelled as a narcissist is in an opportune position with the survivor of their abuse.  The survivor desperately wants their abuser to stop doing what they’re doing.  If only the abuse will stop, and the abuser can turn it around.  The real narcissist won’t.  They will admit to nothing and they will commit the reprehensible secondary abuse of refusing to admit what they did.  But just about every abuse is recoverable if only the abuser owns up and faces the survivor with the truth.

The real test of spiritual strength is to admit our fault, to confess it.  That takes courageous vulnerability that is beyond the shallow, hollow narcissist.

There you have it.  By their fruit we will know them.  We can all bear the fruit of the Spirit through repentance and be vindicated.  But whoever continues in their toxic ways deserves the label.

Photo by Jim Wilson on Unsplash

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.