6 subtle signs fatigue has met exhaustion and you can’t cope

As the end of a crazy year begins to creep up on us, so many are feeling the pinch.  Exhaustion is as unmistakable as it is unrelenting.  This time last year I had no idea the abyss I was going to descend into because of how hard I’d pushed myself.  This year my vocational/work life is even crazier, so I’m attending to my capacity levels more proactively.

Some of the best advice I ever got on burnout was from Dr Keith Farmer.  Exhaustion was his biggest warning, particularly for ministry leaders.  In an unprecedented year, everyone has due reason to stand up to attention on this topic.  For some, it is literally the difference between life and death.

Fatigue that meets exhaustion is fatigue that perhaps hasn’t been detected.  It springs up suddenly and if we don’t pick up the warning signs worse will come.  Fatigue seriously compromises our mental health and wellbeing, and many of the worst outcomes in life are directly or indirectly related to genuine exhaustion.

Here are the signs I see in myself just before I begin to seriously limp:

1.             The mind begins to say ‘no’ – this can often come out as frustration and resistance.  We continue to do what is required but begrudgingly.  Perhaps the fuse is shorter than normal.  This is a sign that you’re pushing too hard, too much, too fast.

2.             The body gives warning signs – we feel fatigue in very physical ways.  Doing things in our own strength for too long will leave us physically drained as well as mentally, emotionally and spiritually whacked.

3.             It might sound obvious, but tiredness – I can operate on six hours sleep, but night after night of only barely that and I begin eventually to run ragged.  It makes no sense to say stoically, “I can function on 4-6 hours sleep.”  The science says otherwise.

4.             There’s not enough time to do what you enjoy – this is a good sign to watch for.  When everything is drudgery, and you’re going through the motions, exhaustion has already set in.  When there’s nothing to look forward to, exhaustion lurks silently behind it.

5.             A lack of resistance in enforcing boundaries – at just the time when we need to be defending our boundaries, when we’re exhausted, we don’t have either the stamina or inspiration to resist.  We’re easily steam-rolled into doing more not less.

6.             Mental health concerns – a very great amount of anxiety and depression comes from the learned helplessness of fatigue and exhaustion.  In fact, sometimes other mental health concerns can actually mask real burnout.  When I descend, I can get irrationally irritable (based in the perception of seasonal helplessness); that’s usually my cue that rest is overdue.

These are plans we can put into place to rectify the above:

1.             Learn to trust what your mind says, and don’t underestimate the link between your heart and your gut.  The mind extends past your brain.  When your attitude is ‘no’ it’s a warning sign.  Rather than criticise yourself, give yourself space and room.  If you don’t look after you, who will look after those you’re called to care for?

2.             Get into conversation with your body by becoming aware of pain, stiffness, soreness, muscle fatigue etc.  Good health suggests we’re in conversation with what is happening in our body, mind, soul and spirit.

3.             Do your body and being a favour and get seven good hours of sleep each day as much as you can.  Maybe you have a sleep disorder.  Make up in other ways.  Learn to nap.  It took me a few years to master how to nap.  One of the best things I ever learned!  And go with your body.  If you need to nap, nap!

4.             Get past the age-old excuse, “I don’t have time to do what I enjoy.”  Challenge yourself and your perception.  Start planning two weeks ahead and plan in four chunks of time that you’ll agree to use for those things that replenish you.  Others will then get the best out of you.  As Dr Farmer would say, we must find time to do what replenishes us.  Anything we truly enjoy.  This is what I call sabbath.  At times I find being still and silent helpful, but I like to rest by doing enjoyable things a lot of the time.

5.             Providing resistance in terms of gently and politely reinforcing boundaries is empowering.  You may only need to reinforce a few time/task-related boundaries to feel like, “I do have control over what I do and when.”

6.             At the earliest sign of a dip in life satisfaction, take those signs seriously and get to your doctor.  Anxiety and depression are treatable.  Exhaustion only dissipates if we get the rest we need.  If necessary, start today.

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

 

6 signs you’re being smashed by fatigue and what you need to recover

As the end of a crazy year begins to creep up on us, so many are feeling the pinch.  Exhaustion is as unmistakable as it is unrelenting.  This time last year I had no idea the abyss I was going to descend into because of how hard I’d pushed myself.  This year my vocational/work life is even crazier, so I’m attending to my capacity levels more proactively.

Some of the best advice I ever got on burnout was from Dr Keith Farmer.  Exhaustion was his biggest warning, particularly for ministry leaders.  In an unprecedented year, everyone has due reason to stand up to attention on this topic.  For some, it is literally the difference between life and death.

Here are the signs I see in myself just before I begin to seriously limp:

1.             The mind begins to say ‘no’ – this can often come out as frustration and resistance.  We continue to do what is required but begrudgingly.  Perhaps the fuse is shorter than normal.  This is a sign that you’re pushing too hard, too much, too fast.

2.             The body gives warning signs – we feel fatigue in very physical ways.  Doing things in our own strength for too long will leave us physically drained as well as mentally, emotionally and spiritually whacked.

3.             It might sound obvious, but tiredness – I can operate on six hours sleep, but night after night of only barely that and I begin eventually to run ragged.  It makes no sense to say stoically, “I can function on 4-6 hours sleep.”  The science says otherwise.

4.             There’s not enough time to do what you enjoy – this is a good sign to watch for.  As Dr Farmer would say, we must find time to do what replenishes us.  Anything we truly enjoy.  This is what I call sabbath.  At times I find being still and silent helpful, but I like to rest by doing enjoyable things a lot of the time.  Writing I enjoy J

5.             A lack of resistance in enforcing boundaries – at just the time when we need to be defending our boundaries, when we’re exhausted, we don’t have either the stamina or inspiration to resist.  We’re easily steam-rolled into doing more not less.

6.             Mental health concerns – a very great amount of anxiety and depression comes from the learned helplessness of fatigue and exhaustion.  In fact, sometimes other mental health concerns can actually mask real burnout.

These are plans we can put into place to rectify the above:

1.             Learn to trust what your mind says, and don’t underestimate the link between your heart and your gut.  The mind extends past your brain.  When your attitude is ‘no’ it’s a warning sign.  Rather than criticise yourself, give yourself space and room.  If you don’t look after you, who will look after those you’re called to care for?

2.             Get into conversation with your body by becoming aware of pain, stiffness, soreness, muscle fatigue etc.  Good health suggests we’re in conversation with what is happening in our body, mind, soul and spirit.

3.             Do your body and being a favour and get seven good hours of sleep each day as much as you can.  Maybe you have a sleep disorder.  Make up in other ways.  Learn to nap.  It took me a few years to master how to nap.  One of the best things I ever learned!  And go with your body.  If you need to nap, nap!

4.             Get past the age-old excuse, “I don’t have time to do what I enjoy.”  Challenge yourself and your perception.  Start planning two weeks ahead and plan in four chunks of time that you’ll agree to use for those things that replenish you.  Others will then get the best out of you.

5.             Providing resistance in terms of gently and politely reinforcing boundaries is empowering.  You may only need to reinforce a few time/task-related boundaries to feel like, “I do have control over what I do and when.”

6.             At the earliest sign of a dip in life satisfaction, take those signs seriously and get to your doctor.  Anxiety and depression are treatable.  Exhaustion only dissipates if we get the rest we need.  If necessary, start today.

Photo by Francisco Moreno on Unsplash

Overcoming guilt for staying in an abusive relationship too long

The sole purpose of this article is to provide reason and rationale for why we stay in abusive relationships too long.  When we understand why we stayed, we have empathy for ourselves, the guilt may reduce, and a semblance of acceptance may come.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t unintended consequences, for there almost certainly will be, but the beauty of acceptance is we can walk forth into the rest of our lives having made the best of it.  What this means is we can resolve to put regrettable parts of our lives down to learning.  They taught us something.

Almost without exception there are multiple facts that are relevant to staying too long in an abusive relationship, and several that will apply for any one person.

The main point I want to make is, people stay for a convoluted set of reasons, and it’s never simply for convenience, even if at times there are of course some elements of what suits the person to stay.  Staying will suit some needs, no doubt.

The first one is the fact that rarely do people see in the moment what they see in hindsight.  Everyone’s a great judge with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, but the fact is we’re not equipped with it, so why do we hold ourselves to such an impossible standard.

The second fact is so often victims of abuse are strung along captive to their abuser.  There is a combination of manipulation, gaslighting, isolation, deflection, coercion, and intimidation, among other factors going on, and this makes things very confusing.

The third fact is, specifically, there is a cycle of the abuser showing hope only to dash those hopes like they always do — “They’re changing... not they’re not... yes they are, no they’re not...”  The push-pull of the abuse cycle makes victims feel crazy.

Then fourthly there are the really, really obvious things like finance and the logistical ability to leave might be seriously curtailed by sheer lack of funds and access to other resources.

These are just four.  [Add more in comments]

Those who stay in a toxic relationship for longer than they should — and that’s almost a universal reality — usually have a lot of guilt to live with: “I put up with it!”  “Therefore, I’m partly to blame.”  “Look what I put others through because of this recalcitrant.”  Not at all.  When the only person to blame is you it’s all wrong because we’re talking a relational system.  The abuser is mostly if not entirely to blame, especially where there is coercive control featured.

Overcoming guilt for staying too long is helped when people realise the complexity of leaving; detailed plans are required, a fair bit of cooperation, support, etc, and a thousand more dynamics.  I think we need to more fully understand the overall scope of the situation and all its myriad complexities.

Understanding is needed for the fact that whether a person stays or leaves both decisions are costly. Both decisions are best avoided — or at least it feels that way.

Realistically the recovery work can only begin when the survivor of the abuse and their children are safe.  They need to be safe and stable before they can work on strength.  This all takes time, but victims must be free first.

A person who feels guilty for making the wrong call on a relationship is helped by imagining they continued in the relationship for understandable reasons; reasons most people stay too long.  They’re helped also by the fact that they didn’t know these things the other person has done all along.  It’s only afterwards, when the abused person is out of the toxic relational system, that the fog lifts.

If most people stay too long in an unsafe relationship, we can understand it.  They were not at their best, most confident selves.  They didn’t know earlier what they know now.  And there are so many other things.

Acknowledgement to Psalm 82 Initiative for the inspiration behind this article.

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash 

What has power got to do with love? A lot actually!

Love in relationships — the idea of safety, equality and mutual respect — is all about recognising and equalising any power differential that exists.

For one basic example, men typically (though not always) have a physical power over women.  Men who are inclined to use this power also have a temperament that exerts that power.  The power differential is obvious.

If we wish to be loving toward a person, in other words serve them and be there for them, being kind, patient and respectful, we need to establish where we have an advantage over them and cater for that inequality so that they are not disadvantaged.

This is essentially what Jesus did in every interaction he had with women in the gospels.  Women in biblical times were incredibly disadvantaged culturally — more than even nowadays; they had no rights, even though biblically God gave them rights — and yet Jesus took every opportunity to elevate them to his level or even treat them as if they were more precious.

This is not to say that he lowered himself morally; shudder the thought.  No, he ensured that he did everything needed, and more, to make sure that they were protected and kept safe.  Jesus did this to the extent that he made himself the vulnerable one in these interactions.

When I was trained to counsel children there were two principles reinforced.  One was that we were to depower ourselves, get down to the child’s level, and cast off everything that made us powerful — being adult and counsellors for starters!  But the second principle was necessary also.  We had to accept that we had supreme responsibility for the relationship.  In other words, to keep the child safe at all costs.

This principle holds in all human relationships:
Get to their level and do them no harm!

The very best of love in all relationships is the care that ensures the weaker person, the more vulnerable person, the less resourced person, is elevated and GIVEN the power that they lack.  The heart behind this is, “Look, we are both human, no matter how privileged or better-off I might seem.  There is only humanity and God.  As humans, you and I, we are equal; God ordains breath for us both, equally.”

Think about this.  How important is it that someone is seen and heard and felt and understood?  When we notice that a person in our midst has a social disadvantage compared to us, and we raise them to our level, we give them a compensation they could only have dreamt of.  We give to them something that their hearts desired, but they had no way of demanding it or perhaps even requesting it.

It is incumbent on each of us, if we desire enough to be like Jesus, to elevate everyone who is lower than us in terms of power and influence to the level we are at.

If only the person who doesn’t feel as experienced or as competent or as well positioned as we are can be lifted in our sight to the level of equality, and we can be people together, that person feels loved.  They feel respected.  They feel seen, valued, appreciated, safe in our presence.

Perhaps there is no greater gift we can give to another person than to see them as we want to be seen.

What about when it’s you who lacks power?

What can you do to ‘love’ the more powerful, the more resourced, the richer person?

The idea that we’re all equals gives every one of us equal standing and we need to stand in that equality.  If we don’t, we can expect that some others will feel better than us, and that they will exploit that advantage.

Whether they feel better or worse than us indicates something.  The reality is, none are better or worse than any.

When someone insists that they are more powerful, better, better positioned, wealthier than us, we can love them by insisting by our quiet confidence that we’re equals.

And yet, if their ‘betterness’ means they think they can treat us poorly, our commitment to equity means we can resist them with our boundaries, our feet, our silence, our lack of engagement with them, whilst they maintain that attitude.  It is a God-given capacity in us all to keep ourselves safe.

Most of all, when we lack power in the realms of love, the more powerful one has the opportunity.  If they cooperate with God and align with the divine will, they will assuredly do all they can to make us feel safe, valued, appreciated, respected.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Without this one thing, relationships don’t stand a chance

I think the most important thing in a marriage is the issue of power differential.  What I mean by that is ideally both partners in a marriage have equal power.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s a necessity for the contentment of both.

It means equal access to resources, equal ability to make decisions, equal ability to think, equal space to think and to express themselves, and equal footing for the raising of issues, and that they be discussed.

It means having equivalent time and money and other resources, and where there isn’t that kind of equivalency, for the more powerful partner, the one more equipped or better resourced, to ensure that their more vulnerable spouse is afforded whatever gap there is.

Love recognises the gap and fills it.

I believe that love is expressed in ways that equalise these power differentials that occur in all human relationships.  This is not just about marriages, but marriages are central to these tenets.  

If only the person who is most equipped and resourced in a relationship will make a way for those who are more vulnerable.  Those who do this do what God would do if God were human as Jesus was.

This ushers into reality the idea of relational equivalency.  Anyone who is less well positioned will have a way made for them, so their needs are met, so there is equivalency, person to person, in the relationship.

Having our rights met is one thing.  Having our expectations catered for, or heaven knows — exceeded — really speaks volumes for a miracle these days; the manifestation of equivalency.

Think about how genuinely rare it is that someone who is more powerful than you are, more equipped, better resourced, supremely positioned compared to where you’re at, who then makes a way, who becomes a little lower so that you might rise a little higher. 

Whenever we feel we are not equal with the person we are in a relationship with we feel exposed and vulnerable, and of course, we are exposed and vulnerable, and all it takes is for the person who has more power and more access to resources to exploit that advantage, and we have a situation of abuse on our hands.

But love equalises power differentials.  Love sees its advantage and wants to gift to the other person the gap that exists.  Love does not seek for itself.  Love wants to give to the other where the other lacks.  Love has the capacity to see what the other lacks and love fills the breach.  Love grieves when others lack when all it would take is for love to do what love does.

Let’s finish on the terms of the marriage relationship.

If only two who are united before God in a way to be equal can be equal to each other, to want the same for the other, and for the more powerful one in any situation — for, there is always a power differential — to give to the other what the other needs from them, then we have the very best of relationship.

The most important factor in relationship counselling is determining and equalising the power differential.  This is done as a catalyst for training them both; the stronger one to make holy room for the vulnerable one, and for the vulnerable one to gently insist on this relational fairness.

One of the first things I must observe in the therapeutic space between a couple is how they deal with power.

If the more powerful one in any relational dynamic doesn’t freely offer that power back to their less powerful spouse in that dynamic they do not engage in the practice of love.

And I believe it’s good for the less powerful spouse to gently insist their needs be considered.  I want to see this push-pull in the counselling room, and I’m looking for it — power being offered as a gift, the stronger to the weaker, just as the weaker one is saying, “You’re better equipped, so love me by giving to me what I lack, because you’re the only one who can give it to me.”

Nobody ought to have the lion’s share of favour in a relationship.  By virtue of the concept of true relationship equality is a given.  There will always be injustice in every human relationship that bears a power differential.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Meeting people in their deepest need

I’m sure you can relate when I bring up the matter of feeling lonely in a crowded room.  You just feel like you’re invisible.  You feel like you don’t matter.  It’s one of the worst human feelings to feel lonely around a bunch of people, especially when you’re in family or church relationship situations with those people.

We particularly feel this way when, in our innermost selves, we know we should be connected to this group, but we are aren’t.  It’s confounding.  When we flip the story, it corresponds that those who rely on us for love ought to have our care.

What I want to discuss in this article is that moment when our soul is met by a person who seems to be seeing us as if God is seeing us.  It is a wonderful experience.  We feel like finally God has brought to the reality of truth a burden we have carried for so long, possibly a lifetime, and this person has ‘seen’ us, and they bring this deep need to life by calling it.

It’s a bit like what we have carried we want to scream out into the public place, into that crowded room, as if anybody would care, but of course we know that they wouldn’t, so we don’t.

I once had an interaction with a prophet, who came to my workplace as a videographer, and saw something in me that I had seen myself but nobody else previously had.  I was astounded as to how she could possibly have seen this thing in me that so desperately needed to be affirmed.  It is clear that God knew, and that God wanted to speak to me through this woman in ways that only God could communicate.  What she prophesied forth was exactly what I needed to hear, and it inspired such confidence — yet she wasn’t there to be in THAT role.  And what mattered most was the care and encouragement with which she delivered this word.

There is something incredibly divine about having someone identify something encouraging in us in a way that serves us, which is the complete opposite to being ‘read’ i.e. manipulated.

Yes, we’ve all had those experiences when someone has ‘read’ us, and they’ve got it so completely wrong and what they said felt as if they were psychoanalysing us.  I don’t know about you, but I hate those experiences, mainly because they unnerve me, but also because people can be so presumptuous.  So many people who think they’re prophets speak out of turn.  But a prophetic word is like a land flowing with milk and honey — it is from the very lips of God.  And it can still be a challenge, not just encouragement.

What I’m talking about is that time when someone notices something that has always been a deep dream or a deep need unmet.  It’s like no one has ever validated a part of us that we feel should be known to all.  Suddenly in being noticed in this way, in the very best of ways, we feel at least SOMEONE has reached us in the name of God.  We feel met by God!

There are certain truths we hold, truths that we feel deeply that we would like to express, but it can feel like nobody else is ever interested.  We carry these burdens these dreams these potential connections for years and decades, just waiting for the opportunity that one human being would want to know about it, that one human interaction would allow us to share.

The point is, if it doesn’t happen for us, we have the opportunity to be that person for someone else.  To be that person who cares for the inner struggle of people who have as yet never been able to share their deepest burden.

This is one of the most divine roles of humanity on earth, to step into the gap, to listen to what people aren’t saying, or to notice what they do say — the things that people ignore because they’re too full of hearing only themselves.

To see the depth of someone else’s soul, and to speak encouragement that THEY say could have only come from God.

A final warning: do not EVER do this kind of thing to manipulate a person or use this for your own ends (which is manipulation).  And do not EVER betray the person in any way.  It is reprehensible to share a God-moment with someone and then prove untrustworthy.

Photo by Shaojie on Unsplash