What it feels like to have been heard

“I didn’t like to hear it, but I needed to...” was the one sentence phrase that stopped me in my tracks. I’ve been on a journey with a person for nine months, and it’s incredible to see the growth in them, simply because they have nurtured the capacity to be vulnerably honest.

Here’s the thing.  Their partner lovingly pointed out a truth to them.  It hurt; the shame of being wrong, selfish, prideful.

That moment is a precipice.  I’ve experienced it.  A few times my own wife has said, “Mmm, sounds like pride.”  “Grrrr....” went my pride in response, but then in a God-sponsored pause, I was able to contemplate — could it be?  Yes, indeed!

So it was for the person I was working with.  They hated for a few seconds or a minute or two, what had just been told them.  But they had the compunction of humility to go deep enough within to ponder — could it be?  Yes, indeed!

From a moment of pride where anger flares and says, “How dare you make me face my shame... I will get you back for such a horrid truth that you’ve made me face,” a simple moment of humility to hold space for oneself — could it be?  Yes, indeed.

For the person I was working with, within moments or a little time, there was gratitude that their God-sponsored humility was big enough to hold space for the truth spoken so courageously and lovingly.

I mean, what partner speaks such truth other than the one who feels safe to do so?  And... who loves so much that they’re committed to communicating truth.

The prayer of gratitude was, “Oh Lord, thank you that you gave me the courage to hold that moment in the suspension of grace, to ponder if there was any truth in it or not.  Thank you that it was a growth moment for me and for my relationship; that trust goes from strength to strength because I didn’t react aggressively or didn’t deny it.”

The point is this.  We all bear such weakness from time to time.  If our loved ones don’t have permission to say these things, what kind of relationships are we nurturing?

If we can’t hold space for people to be honest with us, we offer them less than the complete version of ourselves, and we cheat us both out of true relating, and we certainly don’t deserve the same right of respectfully challenging them.

The person who can receive feedback that feels initially hard to hear gives to the other person the feeling of having been heard.

The essence of true relationship is holding space for each other to the extent of feeling heard.  It’s a power for the building of trust and intimacy and it’s the genesis of growth.

It takes a lot of courage to speak the truth in love.  It also takes a lot of courage to hear those words.  One feels heard in the simple recognition of what is being said.  The other feels heard in being validated for the humility to look within.

And the relationship prospers.  Love conquers all.  Truth is essential.

Being heard is feeling valued.  Understanding is the power of love.  It’s one of the greatest gifts to give and to receive.

Photo by Marco Midmore on Unsplash

Abuse and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

There are those people in all our lives whom we feel safe with and there are those with whom we don’t.  It’s great to attach to safe people—we nurture and enjoy each other.  But it’s often necessary to detach from those people who regularly, consistently, constantly manipulate and intimidate.

Those we feel less safe with, even if it’s a feeling we discern almost unconsciously to begin with, make us feel vulnerable at varying levels.

These are the harms done, aligning with Maslow’s hierarchy (in reverse order), to help you understand when and why you can barely discern them:

1.             Physiological needs – this seems obvious, but when people deprive people of nutritious food, clean water, safe shelter, adequate sleep, warming or cooling clothing, etc., they hit at the heart of the cruelest humanity.  Deprival at this level will almost always be done in secret behind closed doors, much so that the abused person feels completely isolated.  The best of relationships is in the provision of all our needs in this basic physiological sense.  Imagine having to beg for what many, many humans take for granted.

2.             Safety needs – still such basic needs, deprival of these needs leaves us feeling threatened, aggressed, even traumatised.  It’s frightening to be assaulted.  But just as much, to be deprived of employment so we can’t make a living, and especially when we cannot get the resources we need, and cannot maintain our health, we enter existential crisis.  It always finishes with rapid diminishment of our mental and emotional health.  When people deprive people of these basic needs it’s patently criminal.

3.             Belongingness and love needs – now we get into the heart of emotional and spiritual abuse.  Sometimes the deprival of these needs is deliberate, and sometimes it’s not acknowledged in such obvious ways, but when a person is deprived of the connection to friendship and the intimacy of loved ones, their soul begins to grow sick and die.  Souls begin to die when there’s a paucity of hope, unless the soul believes better is coming by faith.  Where people sense they’re being cut off from human connection, there is a very real problem.  Connection needs are inherently basic human needs.

4.             Esteem needs – once again, you might find that anyone who deprives you of your feeling good about life and yourself amid your life is bent on your inward destruction.  These include those who are jealous about your status (at whatever level), and those who are threatened about what strengths and freedoms you possess.  These abuses can often be subtle, and it’s in being separated from these needs – isolated not less – that makes the subtleties more obvious.  Of course, your abuser will always deny it and gaslight you to your face.

5.             Self-actualisation needs – perhaps the subtlest of all abuses, done by those who don’t want you to succeed at any level, and will even go to bizarre lengths to ensure you remain ‘mediocre’.  This gets weirder when people justify this as doing you a favour; they’re doing it always for your own benefit, so loving and considerate are they – NOT!

We ought to be able to be vulnerable without being taken advantage of.  But abuse makes us feel vulnerable when we least feel safe.  Use the above to try and understand WHY it is you’re feeling vulnerable when you least feel safe.

Watch out for the spiritual abuse of James 1 verses 6-8

I’ll never forget the person who came to me once and told me about their manager who called them a name, in jest of course, for their “flip-flopping” attitude.  It seemed that they were given to changing their mind on occasion.

But I’ve also seen this happen a LOT in Christian contexts to defame.

Worry about the church leader or church member who find a passage of scripture with which to weaponise for their barbs.  In such a local case, it’s like saying, “You’ll never get what you want if you’re always ‘tossed around like a wave on the sea’.  You must learn to be more stable.”

But let’s take a look at the passage in context:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you much believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave on the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” (James 1:2-8, verses 6-8 bolded)

Let’s work this backwards.

Who is a person “double-minded and unstable in all they do”?  The one who doubts, having asked, that they’ll be given the wisdom they seek.

Whilst it might be more broadly interpreted, this passage actually has a fairly confined context — a personal prayer for wisdom.

It’s all too easy for someone to pick up the words “blown and tossed by the wind,” and “double-minded and unstable” and suddenly extrapolate that out to apply to anything related to indecision.

Think about it this way.

Our most solemn prayers are our deepest wishes.  We cannot help but hold them as prayers of our heart permanently.  We cannot go back on them.

For instance:

§     the man or woman who desperately seeks a husband or wife.

§     the person who desperately needs a job.

§     the couple who desperately want a baby.

§     the family who desperately want a home.

§     the incarcerated person who desperately wants their freedom.

See how our most earnest prayers are not wishy-washy.  Even when we doubt, we cannot let go of them; we always come back to praying them.  They’re the desires of our hearts.

While we don’t pray for genuine needs in any flippant way, we’re being hammered by our abuser for simply being indecisive.

Imagine:

§     being shamed because you changed your mind.  

§     not being safe enough in your relationship with the person that you can’t have second thoughts. 

§     them not respecting your ability to reflect and pivot.

Think about indecision like this.

We’re all indecisive, and while some may be more indecisive and fluid than others, it doesn’t mean they’re weaker or have less faith.  It could be that they’re simply introverted and need more time to reflect.

But, lastly, think of abuse in this way.  It’s always:

§     that unkindness that’s said or done that rips the air out of your sails.

§     the thing that you would never do, or if you did, would necessitate a quick and sincere apology.

§     rudeness (without apology) that the abuser believes you fully deserve (they’re NOT repentant).

Abuse like this is throwing Bible verses around with power to steal, kill and destroy.

It’s always used to:

§     give the person saying and doing it more power as they rip the little power you have away from you — stealing.  

§     denigrate you at a visceral soul level — killing.  

§     flip the script, gaslight you, and identify you as the bad guy — destroying.

Photo by Matt Hardy on Unsplash

Advocates stand in the gap, for justice against injustice

Everyone in advocacy circles around #ChurchToo issues appreciates the image of a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  It’s a biblical concept.  We are told overtly that those who present themselves as safe to lead the sheep can sometimes be the exact opposite.

Indeed, there are many places in the Bible where God shows us the image of false shepherds, for instance, Ezekiel 34.  So how are we to discern who are true shepherds from those who are false?

First of all, we need to appreciate that advocates in the #ChurchToo space are leaders.  They, by their words and their deeds, have promised to be shepherds.  We can expect they will be worthy of the trust placed in them.

But like in all matters of life, there is a vast distance between saying and doing.

It is far easier to be eloquent with words, and to be able to tell stories with words of what an advocate has experienced, but it is far harder to LIVE these ideals in the manner of advocating for the abused and traumatised — to the outcomes of tangible justice and of keeping them safe.

Both are inseparable.  If one is to be an advocate by word, they also need to be an advocate by deed.  If someone spruiks about matters of abuse, they speak from the position of the advocate, and they can expect that the abused will seek them out.

Importantly, if an ‘advocate’ does nothing, it is far worse than doing nothing.

Because in doing nothing, the message that is sent to the one who has been abused — who is and needs to be advocated for — is, “I’m not believed.”  They will feel like their advocate isn’t going to step in for them.  They will feel unworthy of the help that they’re asking for.

Doing cannot be separated out from the speaking.  If we speak, we must be prepared to do what the role of advocacy requires of us.

If we speak out for victims generically, i.e., state a position of advocacy, then IGNORE the victim who comes our way, what level of support do they feel?  Worse than none.

Their experience of abuse is magnified.  Doing nothing by refusing to engage when they come to us for help, is doing them a bigger disservice than if we didn’t speak at all.

I’m writing this because there are ‘advocates’ like this, who like the kudos but don’t do the heavy lifting.

When we don’t back our words up with doing, usually because we don’t want to take a fall for someone, or we fear disenfranchising the other side, we make an error that has considerable consequences for the person who may not be able to speak or do the doing for themselves.

This is an example of an horrendous hypocrisy.

JESUS – THE BIBLICAL IMAGE OF ADVOCACY

There are many images of advocacy in the Bible, and several images of Jesus as advocate.  But it’s Jesus’ role with the woman at the well (John 4) that I find is most salient.  

Jesus stands in the gap for a woman wronged by an entire culture.  She is ostracised, condemned and rejected.

But NOT by Jesus — indeed, to THIS pariah Jesus comes to announce his Kingdom!

She has become an exile in her own land and must come in the heat of day to draw water.  Jesus meets her, greets her, encounters her, and teaches her with brevity — the coming of the Kingdom.  In short, nothing can separate her from her God when she worships in spirit and in truth.

She has been misrepresented, misunderstood to the extreme, used up and abused.  She suffered without causing anyone suffering.  She’d done nothing wrong (Jesus doesn’t say anything like, “leave your life of sin”), yet she had a ‘reputation’.

Jesus became her advocate.  He did something to say, “I see you and I believe you.”  She responded by telling everyone she could about this man who knew everything about her.  Jesus was the life of encouragement to a despairing person.

Jesus was an advocate who stood for others even though nobody would stand for him.  People wilt for a lack of even one person willing to advocate for their cause.

Like for the woman at the well, we can easily imagine, that when nobody will act for us, Jesus will come to us in our aloneness — as the Advocate — the Holy Spirit — who literally comes alongside us in our travailing.  Coming alongside — this exactly what the Holy Spirit is called (paraclete) and what the Holy Spirit does.

In being an advocate, we’re being like Jesus.

THE NATURE OF ADVOCACY IS GAP-STANDING

Advocacy is a prophetic gifting usually, though not always, given to those who have experienced in some way what they’re advocating for.  It is very much a DOING gift.  It isn’t just about the words we speak.  It is action oriented.

Therefore, as what was done with the biblical prophets, we will often find it a costly exercise to act as advocates.  The most salient biblical image I can think of is the verse out of Ezekiel 22:30 where God expects someone to stand in the gap.

Advocates stand in the gap between injustice to facilitate justice.  Even if they cannot help bringing about reconciliation — impossible with a narcissist — they facilitate justice by seeing and serving the one they’re advocating for; to be believed is its own justice, and when someone believes injustice has been done, they set about addressing it as far as it’s possible.

While much of advocacy might consist of words written and spoken in a direct context for the support of a person or group, it’s not advocacy to espouse the theory and not support people in practice.

James 2:24 is clear to this point: “You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.”  Righteousness by faith is evident by action.

I’ll conclude by quoting advocate, Ruth D. Hutchins:

“... advocates who have not endured [life-altering] trauma have to step up.  Yes, it is stressful and painful and really hard work, but at least we don’t have a trauma response on top of that.”

There is no excuse for advocates without trauma response to not act in support of the abused.  But it is more than understandable for advocates with trauma responses to hold back for self-protection where necessary.

Saying you’re an advocate when you never really advocate for people — when you never follow-up with them, when you show them no care, or make no effort to help them — is, let’s face it, hypocrisy.  People can believe in all sorts of things, but with advocacy it’s more about what you do than what you say.

Photo by Simon Moog on Unsplash