In the interests of keeping people safe, I offer this. There are plenty of people — for a whole stack of reasons — who must choose to stay in relationship with a narcissist, whether it’s temporarily or more permanent. That’s right, the way they figure it, their options lead them to putting up with what can be horrendous. The options otherwise cannot be contemplated.
Apparently, the US divorce rate reduced in 2020, and against what was predicted, there’s evidence that pandemic lockdowns have actually strengthened marriages, and it appears people are not prepared to give up the semblance of stability that remains in such an uncertain life.
Despite how romantically we view marriage, we can easily be lulled into thinking divorce is the answer, when we all know often it’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t. That is not to say that staying in an unsafe situation is at all palatable, but often people who are in danger in a marriage can be equally or more in danger when they’ve left. That’s not said to dissuade you from leaving.
EDIT: AN IMPORTANT POINT TO MAKE BEFOREHAND – many people in relationships with narcissists either consciously or subconsciously believe that they can change them or heal them. But it doesn’t work like that. The narcissist changes you; you will not change them. So, please take these pointers as tips for managing your safety in the short-term.
So, what help can be offered. Here are some tips, additional to the Gray Rock method:
With all these tips, there is the need to balance a demeanour of sincerity with your own discernment, juggling the interests of all who have a stake in the scenario.
One of the most valuable things about being in a relationship with a narcissist is we can use it for our awareness and learning, equipping us in many ways regarding malevolent humanity, even as we allow our experiences to shape our perceptions of our own faulty wiring.
These considerations can help:
§ There are many ways that narcissists astonish and disgust us. Don’t be astonished in a negative way. If this is seen by the narcissist, they’ll feel expressly or quietly incensed. This is about becoming aware of our instant responses and curbing them a little. This is the wisdom of situational awareness.
§ Avoid criticising the narcissist – the above situation of body language and mere gesture is taken as a criticism by the narcissist, but actually using words to critique them will have consequences – it’s one confirmation, if there are consequences, you’re probably dealing with a narcissist – it’s certainly a narcissistic response.
§ Compliment the narcissist – be sincere, be impressed, realise how special they are. Everyone is special, so you’re not lying. See them through the eyes of God (as we should anyway – a person made in God’s image). But be careful about a vulnerable narcissist – continually reassure them, but anything too overt may cause them to be suspicious, because they don’t have the grandiose aspect in their personality, and excess praise will lead them to suspect something’s off.
§ Double check with the narcissist about any advice you’re getting – even if they’re not in the chain of command – by getting their advice you’re saying they’re knowledgeable, wise, and worthy of esteem, plus you guard against them being surprised that you didn’t include them.
§ Be mad on behalf of the narcissist – if they’re upset, they expect everyone to carry the narrative. This means subscribing to their narrative, or at least to the pieces of their narrative you can subscribe to.
§ When you ask for their advice, listen intently to what they say, and be impressed with their reply, “I never would have thought of that!” Chances are they will say something that you don’t expect; it may even have an edge of insight about it that you would not have had. Commend them for it. Even better, if you implement what they suggested, let them know and thank them.
§ If you can, offer to help the narcissist – “You have so much on your plate and everyone knows you’re doing a such an important job – even though you’re more than capable and probably don’t need my help, can I help you in any way.” What this is saying to them is they’re doing important work – they hear, “I’m significant” – that they’re more than capable – and they are, is what they’re thinking. By offering to help, you’re willing to be led by them and you’re supporting their cause.
§ Empathise with the narcissist’s lack of empathy – “Everyone’s too soft around here.” “You have to act important to be important... if you don’t show leadership nothing’s going to get done around here.” See how they helped someone even if they didn’t do it for that other person. “Not everyone sees it, but you really know what’s best for people.”
§ Ask them about their dreams/fantasies. Don’t be mortified if they’re genuinely trusting you enough to share truthfully. Be excited and definitely don’t be disgusted because it could be disturbing – do not give advice about ‘improving’ their fantasy – that’s criticism and it won’t end well.
§ Don’t put yourself down, because that kind of behaviour disgusts narcissists. A narcissist wants to help a competent person. Not someone who in their eyes is pathetic. And they definitely don’t want to be associating with someone they see is by their own admission, pathetic. They want a worthy audience to admire them, not someone who in their eyes is hardly pitiable.
None of this is suggested to promote lying or inauthenticity. I cringe a little as I read some of these suggestions back. But the fact of life is we sometimes find ourselves in relationships with people where doing these kinds of things is safety.
A vulnerable partner who has dependents relying on her cannot always simply up and leave. And that may not be her desire at all. Besides, we can very well end up working for or with people like this; and it’s not always so easy to leave a workplace or anything else for that matter.
IMPORTANT POSTSCRIPT: I should have added this from the start, and I’m thankful for a very dear and wise fellow advocate who thought of the threat value of this article in giving a survivor false hope that they can ‘fix’ the narcissist they’re in relationship with. Both of us would say, “NO, you cannot, that the research shows, those with LEAST capacity to change are narcissists. Despite what you may think, you will not influence them, and they may well crush you.”
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