5 tactics bully bosses use to control you & why great bosses don’t

One thing we’ve all experienced: great leadership and poor (or abusive) leadership.  Bully bosses leave us feeling used at best and traumatised at worst.  If there’s even one benefit of having been bullied by a boss, it’s that we recognise the signs a bit better when we see them in the future.

I’m using the term ‘bully boss’ in this article generically, acknowledging up front that bullying is a discrete type of abuse, but in the following context I’m using the term more broadly.

1.     Sidelining / Isolating

The bully boss doesn’t want threats to his control to exist.  If you threaten his desire to control you or anything else, he will sideline you.  He will isolate you from information that would help you do your job properly or better, because he can’t stand it that you might outshine him.

Great bosses don’t mind in the slightest when you shine, because they know that it’s always a good reflection on them when you perform well, besides the value that you’re adding.  They’re not threatened in the slightest that ‘you might take their job’.  They have faith that in doing their role well to encourage and empower you, you’ll both prosper.  They also accept that the world of work is fluid—it’s changing all the time, and it’s best to go with it and simply enjoy the ride.

2.    Gunnysacking

You may not have heard this term.  Bosses who count things up secretly—little offences that they don’t share with you—who suddenly blurt them out at performance appraisal time, store these things up in their gunny sack (a small cloth container big enough to hold your lunch attached to a stick slung over the shoulder) and they’re truly shocking to hear.  Their pent-up passive aggression will come out in a seething anger, augmented by their delayed response.  For you it’s, “I never realised you felt that way about that...”  Immediately, you’re intimidated because you wonder what else they’ve got stored up.

The great boss, on the other hand, has such confidence in both their ability to handle conflict without their emotions getting away from them and in your ability to hear what’s on their heart, that they share any issue almost immediately.  These conversations are always redemptive, and they always build upon the steady state of trust that exists between you both.

3.    Manipulation

A bit like the above, where a leader doesn’t want to go the direct route to get work done, they manipulate people and situations so that they can get their own way without having to deal with awkward questions.  They give themselves permission through a sense of entitlement to do whatever they please when it comes to arranging work, and when it has a disrespectful impact on a person or people, manipulation has been done.  When people experience this, they experience betrayal.  Manipulation equals relational betrayal.

The really great leader always asks what impact will be on people in the doing of work.  They realise that if people aren’t put first, all kinds of inefficiencies come into play.  And the effectiveness of what they are trying to achieve is diminished.  They are humble enough to be truthful about what they want and how they want to do it, and importantly, why.  This takes courage and character, to slow down, to bear the costs of progress, that the manipulative boss has neither the courage and character to do things the right way.

4.    Overt Aggression

There is nothing more intimidating than an overly aggressive leader.  This kind of boss inspires fear and trepidation.  The mere prospect of their presence is unnerving.  The rage and their tongue are a force to be reckoned with.  And they justify their behaviour.  Most bully bosses are not like this, because they recognise their tactics are easier to identify as abusive when they are overt about it.  But there are still some that feel absolutely entitled to exploit anyone or anything in any way they wish.  These are the one-percenters.  These sociopaths fully believe they have the right to act as they please.

Any wise leader will quickly repent of any sense of aggression, should they make that mistake.  They see their wrongdoing, and quickly apologise and seek forgiveness.  They recognise in themselves and in others that anger can get away, but that the swift reconciling of emotions is required to make peace.  Again, they have the courage and character to be humble.

5.    Passive Aggression

If in aggressive leader is intimidating, a passive aggressive leader is disconcerting.  The passive aggressive leader uses manipulation and their calculating aggression leaves people under them discerning something’s not right.  This is actually possibly worse than the overt aggression we find in the above situation, because it is covert and often it’s very hard to see and pinpoint.  This means that you’re forgiven for second-guessing yourself—like, “is this really happening?”

The assertive leader on the other hand doesn’t use aggression to do anything.  They realise that everyone has needs, and the most basic needs are for safety, which is respect, dignity, the capacity of being safe in vulnerability, being able to be open and transparent.  They go the second mile in order to be clear about their communications, their motives, and the reasons driving them.  This kind of leader invites everyone else into the vision, never insisting that it’s their way or the highway.  And this kind of leader, everyone can relate with.