Reconciling a Relational Divorce

“Close enough to start a war...”

— ADELE (Turning Tables)

Myriad forms of divorce occur within the relational life.

Uncertainties are camped in each one. Various forms of fracture confound each of these relationships.

Marriage divorces are illustrative, but there are divorces also that occur in the arts, sport, in business... times when two parties must separate and because the relational premise with which they meet is no longer tenable.

Hurt gives way to resentment, anger, bitterness, rumour and innuendo, and a complete lack of trust. Respect is a long lost and forgotten memoir of times when two worked (and loved) as one.

One these are no longer. And that – many times – is okay. It is what it is.

Many ‘divorces’ are not hateful; perhaps most. Some are a separation of convenience. Others occur through one’s initiation, where the other cooperates – to the glory of God. Happy divorces are not what this is about.

This is about something very toxic and underlying it is a hatred of lost perspective on the part of one or possibly both parties – more usually one more than the other.

Helping the Foes; Loving the Hurt and Hateful

What can be done to reconcile such a situation?

Probably little so far as the interpersonal relationship is concerned.

But much can be done to reconcile individuals to the safe identity they need in getting on with their lives. With space fitted upon perspective, even bitter parties may see reason – and their own portion of fault – with time.

But in the interceding period, compassion is the key.

There is no use in thrusting ‘truth’ into the mix when there are no ears to hear it, or eyes to see it. Compassion is the answer to every question of resentment, betrayal, and bitterness.

Compassion intercedes and makes peace of the moment.

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Reconciling a hateful set of relational circumstances is not about reconciling the embittered parties. It’s about helping them both to move on. We believe reconciliation is possible, but we’re realistic – where bitterness has ripped a gaping hole the only ones who can fix it is one, and usually both, of the aggrieved parties.

© 2013 S. J. Wickham.