Accepting Your Attachment Style

Attachment is a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space.

— Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969

We have all been deeply affected by our caregivers. They ‘met’ us, deserted us, catered for us, mollycoddled us, or they abused us – among the many nuances of care that was provided us. We are today, largely, what was set in train back then. Like the personality, which was formed almost as originally as in our DNA, our security in life was preset, as in a set ‘n’ forget function, way back when.

Not that we can’t change things now through therapy.

But we must first learn to accept who we are; what has made us who we have become; the dye in the wool of our very formation as psychological beings. We must reach acceptance, first.

And we need to forgive our parents for their brokenness – they parented us with everything they had to give. For some it wasn’t much; for others, violence; for others, again, it was a sense of love as we would commonly see it. Our parents, in the general sense, did the best they could. And we as parents know what a challenge to our flesh and our own brokenness it is to bring up children.

Once we have accepted the role and the effect of our parent’s care-giving, then we are ready to work with what is.

Are you anxious as a person? Are you anything but anxious, but people see you as distant and uncaring? Are you confused about life not knowing whether to love or hate those who love you – wondering constantly whether their motives are pure or not? Do you simply praise God for who you are and for how you’ve been raised?

It’s all about attachment.

Attachment – how you found yourself attached to your primary attachment figures – determines largely how secure you feel in your world. Thankfully, as adults, we can transcend the strains of attachment in our development that could potentially hold us back.

Healthy adult attachment is often depicted in the health and vitality in our most intimate relationship – with our spouse if we are married. If there is intimacy, trust, transparency, and functionality in our marriages it’s because we have worked through the problems in our attachment as children.

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The best of life is a secure life; a secure base from which to relate with others in love, where we don’t hurt people. What comes first is accepting who we are from how we were raised. Don’t miss this first, vital step.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.