5 Ways to recommit when your marriage is falling apart

Photo by Gabby Orcutt on Unsplash

PROMISES that are best, those that are also hardest to keep, are the proving ground of learning. Where daily determination meets with God’s grace, humility is nurtured, and wisdom is attained.

Besides when it is unsafe[1] to remain in a marriage, for yourself and/or others, it is always a good thing to keep working on marriage — where there is a collective will and a positive vision for a satisfying marriage in both partners. Both partners will not always feel like trying nor will they always feel positive about the future, but it’s what they feel when they believe the best is possible that counts.

Here are five promises we can make in recommitting to our marriages:

1.      Promise to have the faith to stick at a process for however long it takes. Our long-term happiness is not connected with our short-term happiness. These two are very different things.

2.      Promise not to run away, especially as that means obeying the voice of the Lord as you find yourself, mentally or emotionally, sprinting off. Take some minutes of solace, but do not leave.

3.      Promise to enter gently and graciously, i.e. with courage, into the cauldron, to love when love seems hard, even impossible, to do. Love starts from us as individuals choosing to love through kindness, patience, and compassion, etc.

4.      Promise to remind yourself that your partner lacks many degrees of perfection, as do you. Remind yourself that the things that bug you about him or her are possibility simple reflections of unconscious things about you that bug you. And remind yourself there are things about you that bug them — they’re staying with you as much as you’re staying with them.

5.       Promise yourself the reflection of this truth: a happy life is not simply about feeling happy; it’s more a life that is steeped in meaning. That’s because life is long. Purpose is established over years and decades. Where we give up on our marriages, we agree to overhaul the substance of our identity.

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[1] For me, safety connects to imminent risk of harm to trauma that may lead to injury, post-traumatic stress, etc. In all relationships, however, there is the function of conflict which produces hurt, which in turn provides opportunities for the relationship to grow in trust, as individuals grow, and as they choose to overlook offenses and forgive. The process can take years. Hurts are not unsafe in and of themselves, and it is amazing what we as individuals can endure. Overcoming feeling hurt is actually a key life skill in developing resilience. When it comes to being unsafe, though, we are advised to trust close friends, parents and siblings. If the majority are saying the same thing deem it as trustworthy and wise. Accept and trust the help you’re given.