‘Just tell me what to do, then I’ll do it’

My wife, the storyteller

Early in our marriage I can recall several conversations that went like this:

Me: [exasperated] ‘Darling, just tell me what you want me to do, when and how, and I’ll do it. Make it simpler. I want you to be happy. If you’re happy I’ll be happy.’

My wife: [livid] ‘But you’re missing the point.’

Me: ‘I’m confused, frustrated and angry.’

My wife: I can’t help you understand that it’s about more than doing what I want you to do.

Fortunately, at some point, I worked out the problem with the attitude of ‘I just want to be shown.’ As we discussed it recently, my wife and I deduced that it must have been a realisation in me through marriage counselling. I cannot thank God enough. It has been a game-changer in our marriage.

Having counselled dozens of individuals and couples now there is broad trend that suggests that when marriages are in trouble (and all marriages have times of trouble) a high proportion of the time men just want to know what they need to do, and how and when to do it. To have marital interactions reduced to some kind of formula.

Frustrated, we resort to the simplest, most direct way of fixing the problem. We’re even prepared to submit ourselves to doing what we would prefer not to do to keep our wives happy. And many times, we’re confounded as to why this frustrates our wives. Don’t they see our sacrifice? Yes, they see the sacrifice and they see right through it.

Whilst on the surface it sounds noble to be prepared to do whatever we need to do, I’m sure most women (and some men) who read this will detect the flaw in this approach.

It fails for motive. When someone says, ‘just tell me what to do’ they’re essentially saying, ‘I’m checking out; you’ve lost me.’ We may think that this is what our wives want to hear, but it’s exactly what they don’t want to hear, for it highlights that our love is reduced to checking boxes on a list.

Yet:

All they need to see from us
is the desire to understand.

If we desire to understand,
sooner or later the penny will drop.

When finally we do understand
our heart begins to change.

When two hearts are engaged in marriage
both seek first to understand the other
rather than be understood themselves.

Most of all marriage is about two adults behaving as adults. Whenever a partner says, ‘Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,’ we can tell something is awry in their commitment to the intimacy within the marriage. As marriage partners, we want our partner to want to do this or that, and certainly to be creative in how they love us.

None of us wants such a cheap love
that’s done just because we required it.

We want it to come from our partner’s heart — because they wanted to do it, not because of the pressure we place on them to do what we want, because we know that that’s not love. And no partner should settle for a cheap love that is in fact not love at all. It’s a counterfeit love.

It’s a behaviour that looks like love
but doesn’t feel like love.