Nurture or Neglect?

‘I have a lot of room for growth,’ I said as a parting shot at church one day, and the mentor I had just conversed with quipped back, ‘Yes, well, growth depends on the environment you’re planted in, doesn’t it?’

He might have said that like a throwaway remark, but those words had impact, and I can hardly remember anything else being so encouraging during that season. In that single one-liner there was a strong validation to the fact that we can put in as much effort as we want, but if we are not treated well, if we are not loved, our output is compromised, often because we second-guess our results, because we just know the relationship is tenuous and trust isn’t all it should be.

Good hearts need good support,
and they love well
when they’re in a good environment.

But put a good heart into a toxic environment, where conflict is part and parcel of the culture, where leadership do not resolve it and even seem to revel in it, and it’s only a matter of time before the good heart becomes despondent.

Good hearts cannot survive in a toxic environment.

I read a quote recently that sums it all up:

“Here’s the thing about people with good hearts.

“They give you excuses when you don’t explain yourself. They accept apologies you don’t give. They see the best in you when you don’t need them. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word ‘busy’ doesn’t exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don’t.

“And you wonder why they’re the most sensitive people, the most caring people, why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectation in return. You wonder why their existence is not essential to your well-being. It’s because they don’t make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they’ve earned and you accept the love you think you’re entitled to. Don’t take them for granted. Let me tell you something. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don’t become grey out of nowhere. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it’s been treated with coldness for a while.”

— Najwa Zebian (Emphasis added)

Over my 35-year working life I have been exposed to all sorts of different working cultures. Some were positively inspirational, where the firms invested significantly in quality leadership programs. The defining feature of these cultures was their approach to conflict. There was no partiality, and in conflict everyone was treated equally, because right and wrong have nothing to do with who holds or demands power, and both sides of a conflict have their contribution. Both could have done better.

I have seen it time and again, the good heart prosper in a nurturing environment, just as much as the good heart dying in a poor one. The first question any of us should ask when someone is misbehaving — well before we look to punish them — is, are they planted in a nurturing environment? This is not about mollycoddling, it is as much about the person feeling that they are supported.

Then there comes the topic of marriage, where conflict is front-and-centre in the operations of the covenant:

It is a fundamental of marriage,
of course, that each partner feels
they have the support of their spouse.

We can tend to take it for granted that there is an equilibrium in marriage, all things being equal. My experience is that there is always some kind of imbalance, where one takes more responsibility than the other. They apologise quicker and more often. They make excuses for the other. They forgive without receiving an appropriate apology. They don’t see as much repentance as they themselves repent. (And it’s horrid, yet not unusual, when both partners see themselves as victims.)

When a marriage is pushed to the extreme, where one is responsible for the success of the marriage, in upholding the facade I mean, relational dynamics come to be toxic. An ugly pattern has formed. The marriage has become devitalised.

What am I saying here, in summing up?

God asks us to work on us, such that we would submit to Him enough that He would build a good heart within us; the kind of heart that takes responsibility for our contribution to relationships and conflicts that emerge. What are we investing?

I could argue that it is only the good heart, one that is prone to repentance, that even knows God, for I am sure there are many Christians by designation only. They certainly don’t show any fruit of repentance. Of the meaningful and sincere variety; the change of mind translating into change of action.

What is it for us? We will all stand before God one day. Are we happy with how we fit with all our relationships? These are the things I’m sure that God will hold us to account to. He may well ask, ‘Did you live at peace with everyone, as far as it depended on you?’ There are some relationships, for sure, that we’re to shake the dust from our feet, but what about those relationships we’re called to nurture?

In all good conscience, what say you?

Are you in nurturing good hearts around you?

And are you allowing God to nurture a good heart within you?

At some point we must ask ourselves,
are we committed to nurture,
or are we conspiring to neglect?
We cannot have it both ways.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash