What must be understood to engage MEN in therapy

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

There was a time when I hated the concept of counselling. Now I do it.

There was a time when I felt there was no work to be done. I wasn’t denying my problems; it honestly didn’t occur to me that I had any. And even if I had, back then, I would not have taken kindly to being told what to do. And that’s what I thought counselling was — another man or woman telling me how to be a better man or a better husband. That wasn’t going to fly.

Of course, these days I recognise that counselling isn’t centrally about telling people what to do.

Counselling is about helping people
to see what the counsellor can see.

These days two very diverse extremes I straddle are challenging men to do their stuff and understanding why men don’t want to, or can’t, do their stuff. There are compelling reasons why I find I’m continually challenged to hold these two tensions together. It’s true that men ordinarily struggle to gain access to and express their emotions. And it’s too easy for any of us to imagine they are just being obstinate.

I don’t know, but it just could be that being a man in today’s society is harder than at any other time. I don’t know for certain, but it’s worthy of consideration. One thing I know that does not work in calling men to be honest about their mental and emotional health is to ridicule them.

There is no love in ridicule.
There is no love in being pushy, either.

It is certainly true that women generally work better in therapy than men, and they have certain biological and psychological advantages accorded to them. 70% of the people who follow me on social media are women above the age of 35. Overall, men only represent 24% of those who follow what I write. It’s not because I write for women, it’s just that the material I write is generally better received and more sought after by women.

So many times I’ve asked myself,
how can I better engage with men,
for men are my heart and my calling.

At some point we need to realise that if we want men to engage in therapy we need to make it attractive to them. We need to make it worthwhile.

When I asked my wife what could help in this regard, she replied, ‘Women need to do their own work, pray, and then get out of the/God’s way.’

It is one of the things that I have come to respect about my wife: in wanting the best for me she practices humility in not making matters worse when I’m behaving inappropriately.

She is not the sort of woman that would take abuse. But she doesn’t goad me, either. We are so conditioned in our society to expect men to be rough and tumble that we think it is a bit too much when a man asks to be treated with gentleness. Yes, and I know that narcissistic men will use this as a ploy, and this is why discernment is so necessary. Men who are not given to narcissism do require gentleness and consideration that we could call respect.

This article should not pretend to be a one-stop shop on the topic of engaging men in therapy. Instead, it is part of the discussion, simply realising that men are easily turned off therapy, just like in other matters (like crassness) women are.

If we want men engaged in therapy, we should do what is reasonable to remove the barriers. We should not poke fun at men for being awkward about their emotions. And we should recognise the courage it takes a man, just like it does for a woman, to be open to exploring the pain in their psychological and spiritual being.