5 top reasons why people come to counselling

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Conflict. Grief. Recovery. Advice. Empathy. These are not the reasons why people come to counselling. They may be five they initially want help with and inevitably find, but there are five better, deeper reasons why I find people come to counselling.

Firstly, whether people know it or not, they want something different; something more dynamic, even if the dynamism offered and received actually slows things down. Counselling is a unique relationship. You pay a counsellor to give you something no other relationship you have can offer. One session (1 – 2 hours) is dense in two dynamics: the level and depth of the truths you speak, and the attentive engagement you have with your counsellor as they direct you deeper in your own pilgrimage. You encounter in your counsellor quite a different human being in the way they interact. It really is all about you, and it needs to be.

Secondly, people come expecting advice and help and coaching; to be told how to fix their problems. Many people are astounded to find that the process is far gentler and more respectful than that. Somehow, subconsciously, people do most of all want to be listened to. But they don’t realise this is their desire until their either have been listened to well, or they have been ‘missed’ and the counsellor hasn’t listened well. Again, if it’s really all about you, then listening is primary. And listening is more a science than an art. There is no substitute for focus and concentration and of the counsellor expending all they have to achieve presence with you in the room. The counsellor needs to be completely in your story.

Thirdly, people come needing their confusion allayed. They come for peace. They come for hope. Peace is the sense of completion amid complexity. People come with their complex lives completely askew. Therefore, people come for simplicity, or what is termed elegant simplicity; a process by which the complexity is dealt with so elegantly that it feels simple. A roadmap is possible even if the way there seems utterly enigmatic. This is a mysteriously spiritual process, but counsellors seek to give you crystal clear clarity, and this comes through their surrender to the principles of simply serving you. With clarity comes confidence. With confidence comes belief. With belief comes motivation. With motivation comes action. With action comes results. It all starts with clarity.

Fourthly, people come because it’s almost too late. Usually it can be a last-ditch attempt. This is not always bad news, because if there’s enough will, there’s enough hope to work with. But people who come in this situation must recognise how forlorn things are. Ideally, the sooner issues are addressed the easier and better the process. But there’s a reason people come when it’s almost too late. We all believe we can do things in our own strength and power. If only we were wisely humble enough, however, to concede we need help earlier. And yet, there is massive power in the rock-bottom experience. There is nothing like the power of having your back against the wall. Many people find the reserves to fight against all odds. They’re inspiring to work with.

Fifthly, people come either expecting hard and finding easy or expecting easy and finding it hard. About even numbers of both kinds of people. I like to think that counselling tackles what is hard to make things easier. Facilitation literally means to make something easy. Counselling can be seen as a process for helping make your life easier. It’s very common for someone to come to counselling feeling stressed and leave an hour or so later and feel a lot lighter. But that’s usually because they’ve been courageous. The person counselled has trusted their counsellor and been honest. And they receive acceptance. This always helps. And as the counselling relationship deepens, therapeutic gains become even more efficient and effective. The goal is to do away with the counsellor and go it alone.

People most often come to be helped with conflict, grief, recovery, or to receive advice or empathy. But as you see above, people actually receive something else.