Marriage Intimacy is about one thing

Photo by Riccardo Annandale on Unsplash

It’s not rocket science and never will be. Marriages thrive on connection as all relationships do. It’s wanting to be together. It’s saying nice things to each other. It’s touching one another. It’s helping each other out. And it’s giving gifts to one another. All the love languages work together for connection-sake.

But when we don’t feel connected, and especially when we crave connection, whether we realise it or not, we go to maladaptive things to get connection. For me, it’s food. It’s something to replace that comfort that connection gives me. If my wife’s too busy or too tired for me, and I need her, I am tempted to find comfort in those things that are bad for my health — for instance, carbohydrates at night! For me, it’s admitting that I’m tempting to eat when I don’t need to, because I crave not food but connection.

It’s not an excuse, it’s a fact of that hole within us that needs filling. Intimacy with our partner, being together, physically in proximity, being on the same page, is the sweet spot in marriage.

For partners who do not want this, who negate what their partner truly desires and craves, and who refuse to give what their partner healthily desires, that partner will be punished. It’s just the way it works. Whenever any of us is violated, and in these terms think of the abuse of neglect, we do seek reparation through resistance — whether we’re conscious of this or not, we punish our partners who do not give us what we desire.

All we seek is a little connection. And when we’re refused that connection the partnership, the marriage, loses out big time. The partner refusing connection is doing a foolish thing. It always backfires. Selfishness always does.

If there genuinely is reason why connection is unattainable, it’s best to be honest and negotiate with the partner who seeks this good thing. Give them some assurance that they’re not being forgotten. Help them to understand why you can’t give them what they healthily desire. Communicate. And even in communicating how you cannot meet their needs at this time you will paradoxically create some form of powerful and valuable connection.