Be weak and make your relationships strong

I say sorry a lot. Many times, daily. Perhaps too much for some. For some, I appear weak. I know some just don’t get me. Yet I know many more do understand. I have found it’s the key to not only restoring breaking relationships, but to building them too.

Many more understand because they reflect what the psychological science (Responsibility Exchange Theory) knows is true; the science indicates that what appears weak lends itself to great strength.

Think about the humble apology. Think about even the term “humble apology.” We don’t receive enough humble apologies, do we? And apologies that aren’t humble are never received as apologies.

They were wasted breath.
They were an excuse to continue the blame game.
They never restored anything.

A humble apology — one that could be perceived as ‘weak’ — is often the only way to an effective apology. This is the kind of apology that casts us on the mercy of the other person to forgive us or not. We can think it’s a risk that we’ll be perceived as weak, but truly being weak, and giving a humble, sincere apology is the masterstroke of relational wisdom, and it is true strength of character that worships God in spirit and in truth.

But let’s turn to the secular science, which purports biblical truths nested for thousands of years:

Quoting David O. Saenz, PhD, “a genuine, believable, effective apology comes at a cost for the apologizer in order for the recipient of an apology to give it any worth. Failure to show gratitude, give thanks or apologize, can severely undermine and even devastate any relationship, even ending it.”

Here is a great paradox; perhaps the epitome of paradoxes:

To show such weakness
as to take personal responsibility for our wrongdoing
is an incredible strength.

Within a relationship
taking personal responsibility is truth telling,
which honours and respects other people and ourselves.

It is the great salve to the dignity
of our common relational humanity.

To be weak is to be strong!

In a world that foolishly thinks influence can be gained through the misuse of power, the weak people of God turn the tables in a way that the devil stupidly cannot counter.

In being truthfully magnanimous in our wrong, for we are sinners who do wrong most of the moments of our lives, we loan the strength of our honesty to the relationship — the strength we should have given it in the first place — and that investment draws remarkably consistent dividends, with interest!

Such a thing as a genuine apology takes maximal character strength; to face what we did wrong, the hurt we caused, the consequences that will come, and everyone we harmed.

Such an apology says, “I’m willing to pay the cost that restoring the relationship requires. I love you (or care for you) and our relationship too much for it to remain torn. I love (or care for) the truth too much for lies to prevail or for hurt to be prolonged. And I’m humble enough to recognise that everything I or we do is done before the watching eye of God!”

From such a context of thinking, genuine and heartfelt apology is an absolute no brainer. We waste not one calorie of energy in executing justice for the other against ourselves. Indeed, such ‘loss’ as being weak is complete and utter gain.

See how being weak is being strong?
See how being weak is wise?
See how being weak is right?
And see how being weak is redemptive?

Many decry the lack of miracles in our modern day. The best miracles are not of people being healed of their illnesses without explanation. The best miracles of our day — and of any day — is in the redemption of relationship. This, in sum, is the Gospel message. When Jesus became weak so that we might become strong. When the Sinless One came to do what sinners could never do.

~

In situations of narcissistic or abusive relationships: there are situations where your apologies are forever unrequited. Generally, I say, do not trust someone who cannot or will not genuinely apologise. This doesn’t mean we need to be nasty. We can still be kind and respectful, but with boundaries. With some people, healthy, vibrant, giving relationships are impossible because of who they are.

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash