I could not have written this 16 years ago. And yet when God got my attention, when I had no other way but to walk in surrender and humility, relying no longer on my own understanding because all my pride had been broken, I began to walk in what Jesus calls the ‘narrow way’, which so many of you know personally and no less live!
Through my experiences as a counsellor, on the back of my own personal experience of having lost a marriage, I can vouch for two things.
Firstly, if I take the second point to begin with, I was a husband in my first marriage who needed a wake-up call. And I received it. I needed to change. Unfortunately, it was too late for that marriage. But what happened was incredible. Sometimes in life God needs to get our attention. The experience broke me. But it was a breaking that needed to occur. The lie I was living needed to be told, and it was, and this wasn’t the end for me; it was an important beginning.
As a marriage counsellor, I can attest to the value in parties to a marriage getting each other’s attention. It could not be called ‘a marriage’ otherwise. Any inequality in terms of love within marriage is a blight on the blessed institution. Most of the time, and this is from real experience, it is about the wife getting her husband’s attention. All she needs to see is that he’s listening, that he’s taking serious account of her concerns, and that he shows genuine commitment toward making changes. Of course, it’s not always about the husband. I understand this. But most of the time, again from my experience, it is the wife who is trying admirably to hold the family together, to make the relationships work, and to bring all the threads of family life together.
Whoever is trying to build relational cohesiveness
is building into the marriage properly.
is building into the marriage properly.
If what I’m saying is speaking to you thus far, I want to make it clear that I recognise that you have been trying so hard to make your marriage work for years.
You’re no stranger to sacrifice, and you’ve thought nothing of regularly laying down your life for your family members, each and every one.
But you have found that this has worn you down, and you’ve seen far too many signs—far too regularly—that your efforts have not reconciled situations as you would’ve liked; indeed, to your despair you can see now how your actions to prop things up have led to the enablement of poor behaviour, not least in your partner.
You’ve prayed to God for years. You had implored the Lord through prayer. You’ve been willing to do anything, and yet this is still not enough. You have said yourself many times, “desperate times call for desperate measures” and, yet you’ve been reluctant to carry out the changes you have long planned to carry out.
The true pity in this situation is that in bringing about action that could bring great transformative change, you could likely be blamed by do-gooders who want to keep your marriage together.
These people do not recognise that the marriage bond was broken long ago, and that you probably weren’t the first to break it. These people do not recognise that if you need life, it’s because those who depend on you need life, and you’re the one in control of facilitating that life, but it won’t occur without some pain. You’re not doing this out of selfishness; it’s for good reason. You’re doing this because justice warrants a decision. For one, and not least of all, the children deserve justice.
He cannot change unless you give him an opportunity. And though this opportunity comes through the vehicle of loss, it is his only hope.
I have seen a few men—literally a few—wrestle with this season of loss, and honestly bear their soul to salvation, and ultimately, over the years, their salvation has borne fruit.
They have become better husbands and better fathers—acceptable men who truly contribute to the fabric of society starting with the society within their family.
Very often this process costs a couple their marriage, but I have seen one example of a couple who put their marriage together again. Yes, just one.
I prayed to God for years that he would send me one couple that would encourage my heart; that the vision of reconciliation within marriage would be possible. And God did. It doesn’t stop me believing for others, but I have grown to be a realist, and I understand that it is literally one-in-100 that get the growth imperative.
Years ago, we couldn’t have spoken in these terms. To talk about separation and divorce within the Christian setting would’ve been beyond the pale. But I truly am thankful that today we can talk about the truth of these matters, because ultimately this is all about healthy relationships and where relationships aren’t healthy, there is impetus to growth.
Truth is more important than covering
over a lie to protect an image.
over a lie to protect an image.
No, truth is so important that lies
to the extent of abuse cannot be tolerated.
to the extent of abuse cannot be tolerated.
When we consider that we will all stand before God one day to give an account of our lives, we quickly determine that living in truth, albeit seemingly costly, is the only way to go.
My prayer is this:
Dear Heavenly Father,
May you have mercy on my soul for the words that I have written here. Light the truth of your word and give courage to the faithful, and give conviction to the heart that is both the weary and to the one that is wanting; to the weary that they may be decisive and to the wanting that they may take the challenge of loss as an opportunity to find you nestled deep in the treasure of life; and, as they recover, give them hope for a second chance; and, help us be merciful to the person who will not learn, because the debt they owe us is now transferred to you, and you will have your way with them eventually.
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