How conflict is handled indicates how safe relationships are

Counterintuitive it may be, it is nonetheless true. How a person handles conflict is often the best indicator of how safe they are in terms of negotiating and maintaining a relationship.

The very best people to form relationships with are those who are emotionally intelligent—that is, they are intrapersonally and interpersonally intuitive. They have excellent self-awareness backed in humility, and the self-discipline to act upon their interpersonal reflections.

In short, they can see their own contribution to conflict, and they can own it. As a counterpoint, they do not focus on what the other person contributed to the conflict. They trust that the other person may eventually own what is theirs alone to own. These kinds of people are not troubled by conflict, and they act as peacemakers, which means they see conflict as an opportunity—they neither run from conflict nor do they fight within it.

Purely from a self-serving perspective, it is wise to nurture relationships with those who bear conflict well; who think the best of us even in serious disagreement. The same is required of us.

The irony is, however, that birds of a feather flock together. If we ourselves are not respectful, big-minded and open-hearted in treating our relationships as crucially valuable (and more valuable than the divisive issues that would separate us), we’re unlikely to attract or keep good friends. The same works for others.

People who don’t respect our boundaries don’t deserve our fellowship.

The worst people to enter relationships with are those who show early on that they cannot cope with conflict. They have poor self-awareness. They cannot see their own contribution, and they will not do their own heart work. Where they do apologise they don’t truly mean it, and their apology will not stick to the point of behavior change. They show little or no desire to understand what they’ve done wrong. Worst of all, they may even feign a humble heart, which in the worst cases is a most horrendous deception.

Heart work is hard. It relies on being humble enough to feel the pain of our own wrongdoing, because relationships will always draw out our own heart issues. As iron sharpens iron and each person reflects the other as in a mirror (Proverbs 27:17, 19), relationships reveal character; our capacity to relate.

We can’t hide our character in relationships.
Character flaws come to the fore there.

One red flag to watch for in a new relationship is the status of the other person’s existing or previous relationships. Watch very well how they handle conflict with others. Watch for destructive traits and toxicity in their broken relationships. Watch also that you don’t fall for the “we are special” and “it won’t be the same with us” traps. All relationships (whether romantic or not) have a romantic phase where we are tempted to overlook serious issues.

Some people—and the word “narcissist” comes to mind—are not suited to relationships. They cannot compromise and will not do their own hard heart work. They exasperate those they’re in relationships with. They bear little or no interest in respecting safe boundaries. It’s their way or the highway.

In conclusion, as the image above/below depicts, relationships are a long journey walking together. Longevity is the biggest challenge to intimate relationships.

It’s astounding how many relationships break down over a single issue that goes awry—the hill we die on—causing one or both to stubbornly dig their heels in and actively resist efforts for genuine reconciliation. (Often this leaves one party abusively marooned, and where there is a power inequality, it’s usually the party with least power left in no man’s land.)

Relationship fracture often happens because smaller issues of irritation were avoided by one or both parties, mainly because there wasn’t the confidence in the relationship to bear the stress of conflict. In other words, one or both of the parties has insufficient trust in the other party’s humility and/or they lack humility themselves.

The simple advice is partner with people who can do conflict well.

Photo by Shaojie on Unsplash