We don’t belong with those who don’t understand us

For many years I never thought about what “birds of a feather flock together” really meant. But I’ve thought about it much more in recent years.

When his disciples were tasked with spreading the mission of the Kingdom, Jesus told them to discern the houses they were invited into. If the household were friendly to them, their peace could remain there. If it wasn’t, their peace was to return to them, and they would kick the dust of that place off their feet as they left.

No disrespect for those homes. Those places just weren’t for them, they could feel it, and they left. That’s all. No grudges either way.

Some of our biggest struggles occur when we mix or work or do church with people who clearly aren’t on our wavelength. At its worst, we can feel very alone in this world, especially when someone we counted on and trusted proves again and again simply to not be on the same page.

They may not be able to understand, because they may not have our life experience.

Perhaps it’s because their outlook on life is so vastly different, yet we’ve never picked up on this. It’s true that we should have a broad mix of friends, even some that ostensibly disagree with us, but birds of a feather flock together for a reason.

Of course, it can hurt a lot to fully sow into relationships with people or community we feel rejected by. When we give all we have to others and there is a lukewarm response at best, a subtle message is projected. When those who were close to us drift off indifferently, of course it hurts. It may feel as subtle as a sledgehammer, and perhaps it’s best when it is; it may hurt like hell but at least we know where we stand. It doesn’t cost us months or years of confusion trying to determine where we stand. Still, it can take many months or even years to adjust to the feeling that feels like we weren’t good enough for them.

Sometimes in reflection we cruel ourselves for trying too hard, but then again why would we not give our best to people we would like to get to know better?

The friendships we choose that will deliver most support—both ways, because if it’s not both ways it’s not a friendship—will be those where there is implicit understanding.

To continue to try and influence a particular friend who doesn’t seem to get what we’re going through is arduous for both. It’s not her or his experience. It’s not their philosophy for life. There’s no point in trying to change their minds.

Whatever is foreign to us, we struggle to understand.

We belong with persons and groups of people that GET us. It doesn’t mean we won’t benefit from being challenged by others, but if we know someone doesn’t comprehend our struggle, why would we seek them out for support?

Finally, we must defeat the lie that we don’t belong anywhere. Of course we do. It just takes time sometimes to find our tribe. When we know we belong, memories of not belonging fade into nothingness.

Photo by Arthur Poulin on Unsplash