Better boundaries than ever in COVID-19 and beyond

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say, “Let’s not go back to normal once coronavirus is gone.”  So I sense there is an opportunity in these times to move beyond the experiences that have so shackled us.

First of all, we must acknowledge how bad things got.  There are some who will read this who may not have felt much acknowledgement before.  They have been mistreated when they were people who could do nothing but respect others.  They were told things they should not have heard, and they saw things they should not have witnessed.

They were abused and traumatised because others had little or no regard for the boundaries that should’ve been respected in the first place.

If there is to be an article for all comers in terms of intimate relationships, it needs to cater for the married AND the divorced, because the divorced are just as fettered to the breaking of boundaries as they have ever been, and boundaries are the ongoing conquest of the married.

This is what the peacemaker in me says.  The following two statements may seem contradictory, but they work in tandem.

People must respect us because if they don’t and they get away with it we don’t love them.  This gives us permission to challenge people, not just because we have the right to challenge them when they disrespect us, but also, it’s because we believe in their capacity to love and change.

To believe someone can change, that they have the capacity to love us, calls us to a higher belief in what God can do, and it also puts the onus on them, because if they cannot do what we believe they can do, it’s no longer our problem.  It’s no longer about us if they’re narcissistic and seemingly beyond help.  We’re called to believe anyone can love us, until we see evidence that they can’t or won’t.

This leads us to the second statement:

Some people will refuse to honour our boundaries, and if they insist on continuing in this vein, we will need to change the nature of the relationship.  We are left no choice when people won’t respect our boundaries and engage in inappropriate behaviour and abuse that leads to trauma, but to change the play book in response.  This shows them that they are in control.  This demonstrates that their behaviour has cause and effect.  This reveals the power they have to control their own destiny as far as it comes to us.  We are being kind and considerate to do this.  And yet, just as much as they’re in control of their behaviour and respect or disrespect of us, we too are in control.  We mete out the consequences.

In the first statement there is a commitment to love that knows no bounds and that honours the truth.  In the second statement, there is such an honouring of the truth that we allow the truth to dictate the terms.  We worship God in spirit and in truth.  Our role is to abide in the truth.  And honouring the truth will set us free.

Boundaries don’t need to be about the breaking of the relationship, if only we won’t be goaded.  But if we are continually goaded the rules need to change.  And any of us can do this, but where we feel we can’t, that is the biggest red flag.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash