When boundaries aren’t respected

As human beings we are creatures of habit and of comfort, and this can work for us, but it very often works against us.  Take the example of relationship dynamics where someone continually takes advantage of us and exploits opportunities at will.

They may even seem to have a penchant for it, and quite often we may stand astonished at just how effective they are at making us feel small, afraid, belittled, or controlled.

In all this is the field of boundaries, but boundaries that we know about in theory, but then have so much trouble putting into practice.  We try it one way and it falls on deaf ears.  We try it another way and we are met with stark resistance.  We try it one more way and we swear we will never do it again.

Wherever we are punished for instituting boundaries that are intended to uphold respect, we know without a shadow of a doubt we are in compelling territory.

A relationship that refuses the right of boundaries is a relationship that should not be.  It cannot be said any plainer than that.

The greatest test of a relationship, whether it is romantic or marital or employment-related or other, is the reciprocity that is available to both parties, acknowledging that relationships are always designed to work enshrouded by a principle of equality and fairness.

Even in relationships where there is an innate inequality, for instance employee and employer, the relationship dynamic is still meant to be equal in terms of respect, trust and the overall feeling of safety.

The point of boundaries is this: they indicate immediately where the no-go areas are.  As soon as the boundary is flouted, we have our answer.  So long as we continue to let the boundaries be broken, the abuse will continue to occur.

The only way the abuse stops is if, having communicated the boundary, we maintain the boundary.

If it doesn’t stop now, it never will.  If they’ve been allowed to continue the way that they have been behaving without account, they will continue to do so.

If you have instituted a boundary, and they refuse to go there with you, whether by agreement or compliance to the boundary, you have little choice but to escalate.

I know that perhaps you have avoided escalation, because it only brings more risk, not to mention the many very unfavourable consequences.  But the fact that you have to bear these consequences should be the starkest reminder of the dilemma that you face.

The more we put up with, the more we put up with.  The more transgressions we allow, the more transgressions we allow.

Sooner or later, if there is no hope for change, and we need to be more realistic here than ever, we arrive in the valley of decision.

The situation won’t change unless the situation changes.

Unless we take the initiative, having attempted to install boundaries, we will never win any respect, and if we are never to be respected, what is the point of the relationship?

When people are in toxic patterns they don’t change until they come to the precipice. Our boundaries are a warning to them that the precipice is near. If they continue to move past the boundaries, they stand to plummet over the edge, and for their own good, we should let them fall.

If the relationship has any chance at all, they must be allowed to fall.

Photo by Fabio Neo Amato on Unsplash