Naming and reconciling psychological abuse

Some realities in life are easier to face than others.  It can take a long while to own up to the fact that we have been verbally, emotionally or spiritually abused, or neglected.  It takes that amount of time because, quite frankly, we find it unconscionable that people could treat us these ways.  Deeper down, well and truly under those themes of self-rejection we party with, we know how lovable we are — we all do.  It is an existential affront to think that people who were charged with our development and nurture could fail us so much.  And it isn’t any easier when it comes to abuse in our adult life; indeed it comes as a huge shock if we’ve never faced it before.

We cannot reconcile the psychological abuse that we have suffered until we have named it and put it on the table in front of us, as the counsellors would say.  In naming it, we de-identify ourselves as the one and only unique owners of such a thing.  We don’t know it for some time, but the shame we may feel, and the disabling effect of trauma, makes us think it is us and only us who suffers.  And it may be, too, that we skate chaotically between the poles of self-blame and anger toward our oppressors, never achieving the middle ground.

In naming the psychological abuses we have been subject to, we give a designation to the hurts that have impacted us.  We make the abuses and the trauma tangible, relatable, mentionable, manageable.  We can see them and hold them as material subjects.  Beforehand, however, they were so intangible as to render us frozen by their sheer weight and the produce of overwhelm.  This is not to say, however, that it won’t be a rocky road.  It will be.  It is.

Reconciling these matters is no simple thing.  We enter a process or three of therapy over the seasons, as we ardently search for the way through the boggy mire.  Some people truly wonder whether it is worth it, but the years will advance at any rate.  If we don’t begin to make progress now, it’s like spinning our wheels, because if we haven’t made progress five years from now, we will be five years behind where we would’ve been in five years if only we had just started the process now.

Reconciling psychological abuse isn’t a pattern as if we could apply one set way to carry everyone over the threshold into a place called “healed”.  There are so many varietals of abuse, we all have different sensitivities, and we all had different inputs of resilience, and another factor is precisely when the abuse occurred, especially if we were weak and vulnerable at the time.

Some things to consider in this process include:

·               acknowledge that the abuse you suffered wasn’t your fault

·               accept that there were causes for why you were abused that are beyond you

·               give yourself time to understand how your mind has been wired because of the abuse, and giving yourself time and having hope that you can begin rewiring these patterns of thinking

·               pray around the types of trustworthy and reliable support that you need from seasoned professionals using therapy techniques that are proven

·               surround yourself with a support base who will encourage and affirm you every step of the way

·               be planted in safe and nurturing environments, including your workplace and family contexts, because recovery and growth is stifled in trauma-laden places

·               read what you can of all the important literature in terms of abuse and trauma, being mindful to absorb only that which encourages your recovery (be discerning; if it’s not helpful, it’s not helpful and only you may know)

·               stay committed to the truth, even though it is costly, whilst being wise enough to lean on a mentor for support and guidance as you need it

·               avoid community that either discourages dialogue or that rages about it, because both are unhelpful in the long run

If we are a friend to someone in recovery from psychological abuse and trauma, we will be patient sitters, available to sit in the liminal space, perfectly happy to be completely free of distraction, to be present, on a wing and a prayer.  This is holy work, and though you may not be a counsellor or a pastor, you are definitely doing important counselling and pastoral work, and so long as the person feels helped, you’re doing your job.  You are most certainly storing up treasures in heaven, though I suspect that just sitting with them and giving them whatever relief you can give them will be enough for you if that is what you love doing.  Lastly, watch for and provide your own self-care.  Be diligent to guard your own heart.

Photo by Ron Otsu on Unsplash