The subtleties of emotional abuse many don’t see

This happens in so many families, in so many workplaces, and sad to say it, even in so many churches, to every context of life; it is how people try to use our emotions to manipulate us, usually through either silence or rage, never underestimating the power of body language, gestures, cues, and every other kind of communication that is covert or overt that can be gotten away with.

It is so common and so pervasive we don’t even think about it half the time.  We expect that people will interact with us in the way they wish to, and not in the way that we wish for them to engage with us.  We are all at the mercy of each other.  But the least we can do is highlight the issue so at least we can see it.  The issues of emotional abuse are very often subtle, and far too subtle for most people to really see.  So the purpose of this article is to highlight these dynamics so you might begin to see, but be prepared for the truth to cause pain, because once you see it, you won’t stand for it, and nor should you.

As we look into this topic, we may find that there are people who either use no forms of emotional abuse, i.e. generally safe people, or there are people who use a variety of methods of emotional abuse, and not just against us. It is their modus operandi with everyone they can get away with it with — those they choose to lord it over, for not everyone is a target.  Of course, abusers are very often very calculating, knowing those who they can abuse and get away with it with from those it is wise not to abuse, as they manipulate their perception.  This latter issue is very significant, because those who are completely unaware, those who are having their perceptions curated at the hand of an abuser, are usually in roles powerful enough to provide victims some sanctuary.  But they don’t know what they ought to know.  They don’t know they’re being manipulated.

The subtleties of emotional abuse begin in silence, in withdrawal, in the abuser’s removing of their love or acceptance or presence from the one being abused.  The use of such abuse, i.e. the removal of love, acceptance or presence, really proves that the love, acceptance, and presence was never really there to begin with.  How effective is the use of silence by the assassin?  They manipulate the response of the one in the void.  No one can survive in a vacuum devoid of the life-giving elements of love, hope and peace, and where there is silence all the goodness of life is sucked out.  The one on the receiving end endures what is tantamount to solitary confinement.

The subtleties of emotional abuse continue in rage, to intimidate and control the victim with acute affect.  This is about getting the one who is being abused to conform very quickly to the demands being placed on them.  Notice the confidence in the abuser as they do this in the full view of others, but never in the full view of those whose perceptions they are manipulating.  This is their expression of power.  This is them saying, “You are in my control, and I will do as I damn well please with you.”  The use of rage is scary and anyone on the receiving end may try to signal that they don’t appreciate it.  This is when we know it is abuse, through the perpetrator’s response to deliberately continue to intimidate and to scare, and usually also to up the ante.

Emotional abuse, even when it is overt, is often highly subtle so the person doing it can continue to engage in it unabated.

Photo by Breno Machado on Unsplash