Boundaries are your rules, you make for you, for your safety

This is a topic that often comes up for discussion in counselling.  What are boundaries and how do I make them?  I love these discussions, because suddenly people start to realise that they have more control over their lives than they otherwise thought they had, or they begin to believe they can have that control.  Boundaries are an incredibly freeing concept, even if they involve the implementation of courage.

First and foremost, boundaries are your rules you make for you for your safety.

Boundaries are your rules.  You get to make them.  You get to make them where you need them, and all of us have some relationships where we need boundaries.  You get to discern what safety and respect you need, and you get to use your own mind, perhaps sometimes with some mentoring help, to determine what a boundary or set of boundaries for a particular relationship will look like.  It’s your heart to discern what relationships need boundaries from those that do not.  It’s your pleasure to encourage those with whom you have relationships with who don’t need boundaries applied to them.  I’m thinking especially the blessing that older, wiser guides are.

The key point is that you want to be in control of your own boundaries.  That said, it might be a case that you don’t feel you are in control at all.  That, in itself, says something.  Do you feel free in all your relationships to set the appropriate boundaries that you need?  It can be a rhetorical question, because none of us go through life without having some relationships that will require boundaries, and these are usually the ones where we find it difficult to set boundaries.

Many times, relationships can start out not needing boundaries, and then the dynamics change, or the circumstances, and then we find boundaries become a necessity, and this can easily strain relationships. The existence of boundaries can say a lot about trust or a lack thereof.  The setting of boundaries can become a real test for the relationship, and it is hoped that people, in respecting the new boundaries, can transcend them.

In the ideal world, there are no boundaries.  I know there are some who would scoff at that statement.  But think about it.  In a Christian world we are called to outdo each other in love.  If only we were committed to Christ enough to do that.  But inevitably we get trampled in some relationships, worst when it is in marriage, though it is still our task to outdo the other in love, and when it is required, the outdoing of love is done in boundaries, for boundaries are love.  In other words, it’s our Christian duty to apply boundaries where they’re required by speaking the truth in love.  In violent relationships, we’ll need the assistance of others.  It may not be safe for us to apply boundaries by ourselves.  Please don’t feel alone.  This is more common than you’d realise.  It is completely not your fault.

Boundaries communicate that there is a need of respect that isn’t being met.  Boundaries suggest that there is room for improvement in a relationship, and if a person has humility enough to transact with the status quo, they can transcend the boundary.  Therefore, boundaries can very much be the grace of a second chance.  But there are also relationships where boundaries are necessary that enforce a rigid border to protect against contact.  Who would endure relationship with a continuously violent person?  (i.e. any pattern narcissistic abuse)

But, of course, we need to be prepared for the reality, that where we need boundaries, the very communication of boundaries to the person we are applying the boundaries to will be an affront to them.  When we anticipate resistance, we have a better chance of communicating the boundaries gently (with fair firmness), but even mentioning them often means more resistance than we could ever have anticipated.

The main thing I really want to say is boundaries are yours to think on and apply in the context of your life.  Yours, all yours.  You are to be in control of how people treat you.  That’s at least what we all can aspire to, that we are in community with people who love and respect us, even as we are committed to loving and respecting everyone.

Photo by Sylwia Bartyzel on Unsplash