TRIGGER WARNING – the title suggests the content could be triggering.
Why is it that our society continues, over and over again, through the media and mainstream thought, to blame survivors of violence, and not zero in on the perpetrators?
Even though the title suggests this is about male perpetrators and female survivors, I hope we all know that there are occasionally male survivors and female perpetrators. It is devastating for anyone caught in the violent trap of a relationship of dangerously unpredictable proportions. It’s even worse when the patterns of violence are tragically predictable.
We must change our language, our tone, our support. It is time we started to change the narrative to make the perpetrators account for their behaviour. It is no longer good enough, and it never was, to place the onus for change, and worse the blame, onto those who survive the violence. And isn’t it ironic that we need to use the term ‘survivor’, when far too many people are killed (even a single person is too many!) within their homes; women, children, and some men.
But many survivors do survive. And what they are looking for are more models of society placing the burden of responsibility on the perpetrators of the violence. Survivors must be supported, and entire structures of policing need to be deployed in sociological support for the traumatised, as well as have the capacity to come down hard on offenders with consequences that work, the measure of which must be scientifically valid. Yes, we need far more research in the area of family and domestic violence as well.
We really must flip the script to make sure we don’t blame mothers for cowering in the corner when the last thing they want is for their children to be exposed to a violent partner or family member — for her children to witness such reprehensible and trauma-evoking behaviour that can never again be unwatched.
Some of the things we need to start seeing:
§ less, much less, blaming of women who face the violence and more, much more, onus on the men who propagate the violence – women in many cases are just so frightened for their lives (and for their children’s lives and safety if they have them) that they switch instantaneously into freeze mode and are rendered defenceless and are at the mercy of madmen
§ less shame, much less shame, to be placed on perpetrators who can be found to be genuinely ashamed of their behaviour, who have the capacity to change, who may run further from their problems because of their shame, who know and accept their behaviour is wrong – as a society we must have systems in place to capture these people (small in percentage as they are), because they have the capacity to change, and they may be equipped to deal better with their emotions and change their thinking so they produce no harm
§ the identification of those who are recalcitrant perpetrators, who need to experience legal and financial consequences for their wilful behaviour – for such a lack of contrition they use aggressive influence to blame-shift and scapegoat those they abuse – everyone is intimidated by the raucous offender, because nobody will have their number or measure
§ a guilty until proven innocent method of working with offenders – recovery is a long, long road, and many perpetrators of violence will seek to hoodwink therapists and pastors alike – many tears of ‘regret’ doesn’t equal change; only time and evidence of heart change over time does that
§ much better understanding for men caught in intimate partner violence, either through their women or other male partners or family – there is so much shame for men caught in situations of violence because of the ‘tough male’ stereotype that men feel they need to maintain – the fact is, many males hate violence, and these men, like everyone, deserve to live safe lives
§ predictive systems for children and their trauma – adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) are incredibly common and very many of the men with serious anger issues are themselves survivors of violence – but that’s no excuse for them to promulgate their trauma in behaviours of violent anger – they must learn to be disgusted by violence, all violence
§ education and support for children in schooling situations, especially when early warning and assessment may take place in schools across the board – children are never pawns to be used, but very often children will tell other trusted adults of the problems they see – these children must always be protected first and foremost
§ patterns of assigning contributions of blame must stop – a woman who is violated is zero percent at fault; it’s the same for a man who is violated – nobody asks to be violated – contributions of fault in abuse situations is a fallacy – perpetrators are always fully responsible for their violent attitudes and acts
§ whole societies need to grapple with the fact that some of the worst violence isn’t just of the physical or sexual variety or physical or sexual in nature, but it can be deeply psychological, not to say that physical and sexual violence isn’t psychologically impacting, because they are – all violence has a soul-destroying element to it
§ attitudes to policing need to change, because far too many law enforcement agencies and officers consider domestic and family violence as, “don’t worry, it’s just another domestic; they’ll get over it soon” – it is far too easy to externalise the issue by considering that it is somebody else’s problem – so much of the time a survivor of violence is encouraged a tremendous amount simply by being believed, and indeed, to believe them is about the best thing that another can do for a survivor of abuse
§ in direct contradiction to the above point, there are also law enforcement agencies and officers completely frustrated with their hands tied – I just want to acknowledge that our services are often overstretched and impotent
§ there needs to be spaces created for dialogue for these incredibly shaming situations and events – survivors of violence almost always feel ashamed and paradoxically partly (and much worse, solely) responsible, when being responsible should be the farthest thing from their minds – being there, having been subject to the violence, is enough for them to feel responsible – when they are zero percent responsible
§ for good and final measure, let’s not forget our black brothers and sisters, for whom are often survivors of violence through similar societal elements of prejudice and discrimination – there should never be a problem with saying Black Lives Matter
§ all the above applies equally to elder abuse and any family situation where vulnerable persons are exploited through overt and covert violence
This is just a short list. There are many more I could have added. If you think of any salient ones, please add them on social media comments.
As whole societies we need to change our language and put the onus of responsibility back on to the one who is responsible, and take it from the very people who would never have violence done to anyone, and who already bear too much responsibility.
We must all recognise what is going on in our societies. Women are treated worse than men in general, as are the minorities, and it isn’t fair or right. If you’re weaker, you get less and you’re treated poorer, whereas people who are strong have privilege. It’s the way it is and it must change.
Acknowledgement: to my daughter, Zoe Wickham, who is about to graduate (mature age) with a Degree in Social Work, who gave me significant guidance in the writing of this article.
Some Resources on Anger:
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