3 core dynamics that make or break relationships

We bring ourselves into everything we do, especially into our interpersonal relationships.  This heralds the possibility of blessing, but it is also a warning.  If we or the other person are not in a good place it will inevitably affect the relationship dynamic, and worse if we are both not in a good place, relational disaster beckons.  Within the discussion so far, we have already identified three core relationship dynamics — what is going on in them, what is going on in ourselves, and the dynamic between the two of us.  It is really good to be aware of these dynamics.

THE COMMON EMPATH-NARCISSIST COUPLING

There is a dynamic that one individual brings into all of their relationships, and it affects all three dynamics where one has negative influence with the other.  The empath-narcissist coupling, which we so often see, features a dynamic between the two where one is forced to take more responsibility than the other, where one is blamed for many of the things that go wrong (and even for things that don’t), and where one is caused to even question their own sanity because their memory of accounts is doubted and even disputed (AKA, gaslighting).  When one in the relationship cannot or will not bear their responsibility, and worse, they project this problem onto the other, it leaves the other in a tenuous position.  They can try to hold their own, and so many do before they become worn down.  One thing is for certain, none of us can influence an abusive person.  They are so right in their own eyes that they make it near-on impossible to relate.

This is one example of a relationship dynamic where one’s negative personal power is so dominant in the transaction between the two that the other really has no choice but to succumb.

TWO RESPONSIBLE, CAPABLE INDIVIDUALS IN PARTNERSHIP

The ideal mix of relationship dynamics in interpersonal relationships sees two individuals, both of which are capable of holding their own, of bearing their own responsibility, of giving consistently to the other, of reflecting insightfully in account of the truth that respects the partner, and of forgiving the other having experienced their repentance.  Justice in this kind of relationship dynamic is done when a sincere apology is given, as is modelled frequently in this dynamic of partnership.  Both people in such a relationship are capable of an apology that admits error, acknowledges hurt, addresses shortfalls in some focused way, and promises to learn for future.  They identify patterns and they are capable of real attitude and behaviour change.  These are relationship dynamics that make relationships strong, sustainable, rewarding, pleasurable, and overall, a force for good.

TRUE UNEVEN YOKING

Hearts are broken, however, well before relationships are broken, when the tragedy is realised; that one isn’t capable or adequately motivated to give fairly or evenly to the relationship, and this is seen most visibly in their taking.  It is always one-sided, because, through one’s entitlement and privilege, they insist upon having the lion’s share of the favour go toward themselves — they begin and end at the level of individual and they cannot couple.

This can be extrapolated into any number of abuses, and without going into them in any detail, it isn’t too much of a stretch to see how one person’s negative personal power robs energy and vitality not only from the relationship dynamic, but actually steals something precious from the other person; something they can ill afford to lose or go without.  Such a theft cannot be amended from within the relationship.  It is usually afterwards that the injured party can gradually be healed.  Out of the toxicity of a dynamic that never worked as a unit is supposed to.

What we are describing here in effect is the biblical concept of yoking, i.e. of oxen.  Yoke a weak ox with a strong one and the team doesn’t and can’t function.  We have been brought up to recognise unequally yoked relationships happen because one person in the couple is Christian, and the other one isn’t.  It would be far better to imagine unequal yoking to be truly more the kind where one takes responsibility and the burden for the relationship and the other doesn’t.  In anyone’s language, this kind of situation is a travesty.

A CORD OF THREE STRANDS ISN’T EASILY BROKEN

The beauty of interpersonal relationships is “a cord of three strands that isn’t easily broken,” as in the Ecclesiastes 4:12 parlance.  Indeed, we can see that the third cord is the link between two relationally capable individuals; persons who in their own right are ready and able for the responsibilities and the burdens of relationship.  There is a harmony of push-pull between them, where both are found to carry their weight overall.  One is dependent on the other at times, and at other times the other is dependent.  There is a mutual dependence, or what we call interdependence, or balance of dependence.  A cord of three strands that isn’t easily broken is contingent on the previous line: “two can defend themselves” — meaning, they are both capable, and it isn’t a relational situation where only one can defend themselves, or where only one is allowed to defend themselves.  Both individuals in such a partnership can and are allowed to defend themselves.

Photo by Joel Overbeck on Unsplash