“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they choose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them. If the first woman they passionately loved, the mother, was not true to her bond of love, then how can they trust that their partner will be true to love [him]. Often in their adult relationships these men act out again and again to test their partner’s love. While the rejected adolescent boy imagines that he can no longer receive his mother’s love because he is not worthy, as a grown man he may act out in ways that are unworthy and yet demand of the woman in his life that she offer him unconditional love. This testing does not heal the wound of the past, it merely reenacts it, for ultimately the woman will become weary of being tested and end the relationship, thus reenacting the abandonment. This drama confirms for many men that they cannot put their trust in love. They decide that it is better to put their faith in being powerful, in being dominant.”
― bell hooks
Having been dominated through power and control, I have sometimes heard women say in the counselling room, “There must be a payoff for you when you behave this way!” Often the guy is so completely non-plussed by the remark, but that’s how it feels for his partner. She has been shattered by his ‘testing’ behaviour (acted out in rage, innuendo, withdrawal, defiance, rejection, threats, belittling, etc) for years. There comes a time in any abused woman’s life when she must say, “Regardless of how much I (used to) love you, I must stop this; indeed, it’s come to this. I need to stop this for YOUR sake as much as my own!” She knows that he is basically acting out of his child, and somewhere deeper down he possibly knows this too, but is too ashamed to admit it. She also knows he must begin to account for his behaviour. This is love, even if she realises it’s years too late.
He cannot love because he’s never been loved, and this is all the more reason why Christ is needed — so desperately needed — in this man’s life. To know Christ is to know love to the extent that loving others is simply the fruit of the love received.
The irony in all of this is that this man is a broken man, yet until he is broken with Christ he will not be able to love anyone. Being broken with Christ is having God WITH us when everything else has been stripped from us. Such a man must lose everything. How can I tell if I haven’t been there? That’s the point, I’ve been there. Remember Jesus saying, “You must be prepared to lose everything to follow me.” When we’re in that place we’re on the cusp of meeting Jesus. (And to the man who acts out in dominance and says, “I know Jesus!” I am sorry, you don’t truly know him yet! You haven’t allowed him to know you. You must be opened up first, and in all reality remain open for months for Jesus’ healing work to be done IN you. This is why staying in a broken place with our Lord for an extended time period is good.)
The man needs to have everything stripped away so that all that remains is Christ. It will be necessary for him to lose his marriage, hard as that is to say. There can be no hope of rebuilding the marriage unit until he is rebuilt. And 99 men out of 100 will not go this course — men, be that one! A miracle needs to be done in him before he is able to be any sort of safe partner. Good news! God is in the business of procuring miracles. The paradox is he must go from domination, fear and control to submission, service and humility. He needs to own what wasn’t his fault, and yet now he is responsible for submitting to the rebuild. If he does, he can attain the only control he should have ever craved — self-control.
None of this is his partner’s fault. And whilst his upbringing is a tragedy, he is solely responsible for where he’s at now. It may seem cataclysmically unfair, but the fact is there is no stock in blame. There is stock only in gritting the bit between the teeth. The moment anyone takes responsibility for what only they they can do, they wrest control for themselves, and God can work a miracle. Anyone using the internal locus of control finds amazing empowerment, all while getting the log out of their own eye.
Meanwhile, the man’s partner is best left alone with the support she chooses so she can heal and find freedom from beyond all that she has lost. She is a victim and a survivor, and she will need for her remaining years the sanctity of a rest that she always needed.
Safety in relationship is a human right.
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