When everyday conflicts become entrenched

All of us have relationships that are strained, and most of the time we let bygones be bygones and ‘live and let live’, or in other words, we either overlook conflict or we sweep issues we have with people under the carpet.

That is until something comes up that can’t be ignored; either you go and front them about it, or they front you.  Either way, it’s a potential powder keg.  Issues very quickly become bigger than the value of the relationship, but it also must be said that if everyday conflicts weren’t resolved, what chance is there of something more serious creating a real impasse?  It happens so often.

Do you keep a short account with someone and risk telling them an inconvenient truth, or do you let it go?  Do you risk the relationship for growth and equally for conflict?  Do you trust that you’ll be able to speak the truth kindly enough that they’ll listen?  Or, do you encounter having tried that, that they went and lost it anyway?

Managing conflict so it doesn’t get worse is one of the hardest things to do.  That is because we all tend to bunker down into what WE did right and what THEY did wrong.  Not many want to admit that these days.

It’s hard to reconcile that peace actually comes only from seeing something of the other person’s viewpoint — empathy.  But that’s only good for us if it’s a reciprocal arrangement, because many entrenched conflicts feature one prepared to be empathetic of the other, but the other won’t return serve.

Conflict resolution just doesn’t work if one party is stubbornly entrenched in their being right.  It only takes one person for all hope of reconciliation to fall over.  It takes two, each willing to look within and see their own contribution to the mess of conflict, to establish hope for peace.

If one person polarises into their corner, you can just imagine what the other person will do.  Peace doesn’t stand a chance.  That, there, is entrenched conflict.  Of course, the more sensitive and less narcissistic person will always feel they owe something to the other side, and the more narcissistic person will deflect and manipulate and possibly even intimidate.

When everyday conflicts become entrenched, there’s more anxiety and burden carried, less hope for peace, more likelihood that matters will get worse, and less goodwill and more suspicion.  Poor all round!

Doing all we can to ensure conflicts stay at the more everyday, garden-variety level is worth the payback of less stress and angst overall.  But we also must accept that some people will completely shut down or assault us.

Conflict at an everyday level is manageable — if we stay committed to speaking truth kindly and graciously.  You invite people to engage in conflict in reasonable and rational ways that way.  But not everyone will respond.  Some will take it and use it against you.  You will be misunderstood.  It is the way that life is and we’re best to accept it, continuing to have the courage to speak the common truth gently.    

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash