“You’ve changed!” – Yep!

What is often both a reality and a gaslight at one and the same time has happened in so many of our lives.  People put up a guise with people they don’t feel safe with and then suddenly the game changes when they see a way out to freedom.

It’s why women (and men) who don’t feel safe in their marriages wait until the planning is done — when a safe path is cleared — and their abusive husbands (or wives) are no longer in a position to use coercive control.  All they can say in their disgust is, “You’ve changed.”  And the reply may say many things, but essentially it’s, “Yep, I’m no longer putting up the façade to protect myself.  I’ve ‘changed’ and now I can be the real me.”

But it always feels like a gaslight; like the one doing the abuse has a right to deflect the blame yet again.  Yes, they act entitled.  They have for such a long time executed their will over their victim.  And resistance was inevitable.

This kind of arrangement occurs in all sorts of human relationships.  One behaves a particular way and the other must conform, or it’s a culture into which those entering the culture are forced to adapt.  Either way, nobody appreciates being told overtly or even more subtly that, “This is the way you must behave or else.”

When we think about the dynamics in all our lives, it’s about now when we think, “Mmm, yes I feel that way in THIS or THAT relationship, or in THIS or THAT situation/circumstance/workplace/community/group/church etc.”  It’s probably only a matter of time before they say, “You’ve changed!”

Or, it’s a situation where for whatever reason YOU are the one saying, “This is the way it is.”  This might be a warning to you to reflect on how you’re treating a person or people.

There are times and situations, however, where the “This is the way it is” is that way for a good and justifiable reason.  There are times in all our lives when we do need to accept certain arrangements. They go with the territory.

But the thrust of this article is centrally about relationships where coercive control is at play.

Wherever we feel there’s a power differential abounding where there shouldn’t be one, i.e. in marriage or any other relationship where equality should be present but isn’t, the dynamic cannot really continue.  Resistance must occur at some point.

Where we’re particularly thankful that someone has ‘changed’ is wherever we watch on and see someone close to us having to accommodate or adapt to another person in ways they shouldn’t.  It’s heartbreaking when we see people we love treated badly.

Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash