The ‘ansioner’ and the relational problems they cause

You know the person who asks you a question, you answer thinking they’re interested in what you think, but then they capitalise on your answer to either correct you or tell you a long-winded story that’s more about them than anything.  That’s what this article is about.

I call them ‘ansioners’ – or answer-ners.  They’re questioners with their own answers.  They ask you a question simply to start a conversation with you so they can take over.

They don’t need you.  They fill every void of verbal space with their own words.  They consume verbal bandwidth.  It’s either their display of wisdom (i.e., their opinion based on their observed truth) or it’s a display of their copious life experience through a narrative that’s bound to edify you (not!).

In other words, they’re showing off.  Quickly you find that in being asked a question—being invited to offer your thoughts—they’ve simply given you license to speak for a minimal period before they use their ‘communication skill’ to shut you down so they can take over.

Notice that an ansioner is adept at doing it with such consistency that they do it at every opportunity.  Your role is listener.  In other words, what they’re saying is you either don’t have as much wisdom or life experience as they do, or you’re boring and they’re a lot more interesting than you are.

Be attuned to how much attention they give to what you’re saying and how genuinely curious they are.  If they appear disinterested and are easily distracted onto whatever else is going on—bingo.

How do we deal with people who are constantly consuming the verbal bandwidth?

First and foremost, we can tell that a show-off ironically has a very fragile self-concept that they have to rail-road every conversation and make it about themselves.

Relating with such a person is never a true relationship where reciprocation runs freely between two.  You serve them and they never serve you.  It’s frustrating and toxic over the longer term.  Small doses are the order of the day.

These people invite you to be more assertive, to compete for the verbal bandwidth if you’ve got the energy for it.

My experience with these people is even the body language of appearing disinterested in what they’re saying doesn’t work.  They love the sound of their own voice.

Communications with these people—anyone who manipulates conversations for their own ends—always requires effort.  It’s good to accept this.  It will never be easy to communicate with this one.

One thing you can do, if you’re reading this, is NOT be an ansioner.  Don’t invite people into dialogue to kick them off the podium so you can monopolise their time.  People that do that demonstrate that they have no real interest in others or empathy, particularly when they start with a question of concern (“How are you?”) only as an opportunity to speak incessantly for the next fifteen minutes.

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash