My husband, Cameron, and I are celebrating 46 years of marriage, today, September 13th. We’ve had our “moments”, our struggles, our periods of discontent or disenchantment, and even our moments of almost giving up. There were probably times we weren’t “in love” with each other, but we focused on the big “C” throughout it all – commitment. In this day and age of “disposable” things, we didn’t want to dispose of our relationship. We built our relationship on a solid base of mutual respect, concern and compassion for the other person, plus simply wanting the best for each other.
God has been faithful to us. He blessed us with two daughters and now two granddaughters. He has stood by us in the storms. He gave us peace and strength when we didn’t think we could go on. He gave us to each other to be life companions, to share an unbelievable journey of love and friendship. And for this, we are grateful.
1). The number one lesson I’ve learned, and that I’ve shared with couples who are contemplating marriage or who are in marriage counseling – is that your spouse has to be your best friend. Period.
2). Think, before you speak – ask yourself, “what is this going to feel like to him/her when I say this?”
3). Empathy is crucial. Even if you don’t understand what they are trying to communicate with you, even if you disagree with it, practice empathy towards them.
4). You have to both be on the same page in terms of raising kids. Granted, one can be more of the disciplinarian and one can be more of the “softy” – but the message has to be consistent.
5). Don’t talk disparagingly about your spouse in front of him/her when in a social situation. Sometimes, lighthearted banter is okay, but criticisms (even if given with a wink or roll of an eye or laughter) can destroy the trust between the two of you. Why would you want to embarrass your spouse like that? And the people around you will think less of you, not your spouse, for what you have done.
6). Go to church together. I know some people aren’t religious/spiritual, but it is known that those who have a solid basis of faith tend to have marriages that last longer.
7). Along with # 6, pray together.
8). Along with # 6 & 7, pray for your spouse every day.
9). Along with # 6, 7, & 8, pray for your marriage every day.
10). It’s okay to argue, at times, in front of the kids, as long as there is no name-calling or cuss words or physical/verbal abuse going on. You need to model healthy disagreements and show your kids how to resolve the problem after the argument.
11). Learn the concept of “agree to disagree”. There will be some things which the other person is adamant about, and you can’t quite understand their position. But, there comes a time when you need to accept that they will not agree with you and vice-versa. Of course, if it is a huge issue and you keep on disagreeing about it, then marriage counseling may be indicated at that point.
12). Have fun together. Everyday.
13). It’s okay to tease, but it is imperative to know when to stop.
14). Try hard not to say, “I told you so”, even if you are correct. Especially when you are correct.
15). Trust is based on telling the truth.
16). Along with #15, white lies are not the truth.
17). Along with #16 and #17, if truth is painful, surround it with compassion when delivering it.
18). Never ridicule or demean in private (kind of goes along with #5 when in public). This is just not constructive at all and is akin to emotional abuse.
19). Kids are like sponges – they absorb everything. They will absorb your moods, your styles of relating to each other, your language, etc. Always keep that in the forefront of your mind, always, even if they aren’t around.
20). A sense of humor is imperative. Yup. And, learn how to laugh at yourself as well.
21). Learn how to ask each other if the goal of the conversation is venting or problem-solving.
22). If your spouse offers to help you, let them, even if they don’t do it quite the way you would prefer that they do it.
23). Along with #22, bear in mind that if you keep on refusing your spouse’s offer to help you, they will then stop offering. You don’t want to be in that position, because then you will feel like you are doing everything!
24). Along with #22 & #23 – thank your spouse profusely after helping you. And, offer to do something to help them as a way of saying thank you, or make a special meal or a thank you card.
25). On the topic of helping, it’s okay to ask your spouse for help as well. it’s not a sign of weakness or lack of intelligence to ask.
26). It’s not your responsibility to “fix” your spouse. Read that very carefully. Your spouse is responsible for his/her own issues and happiness.
27). Listen to your spouse. If it’s boring, still listen. If it’s something “heavy”, listen with your heart as well as your ears. If it’s constructive criticism, look at is as an opportunity to learn something about yourself and perhaps change it.
28). If what you are saying or doing is hurting your spouse, just please stop doing it.
29). Treat each other with respect.
30). Have each other’s back.
31). Do something the other person enjoys, even if you hate doing it, and do it without complaint and with a smile on your face. Even the boring stuff.
32). Teach new things to one another – a skill, a song, an adventure, etc.
33). Open up and share how you are feeling.
34). Risk being vulnerable with one another, at every level.
35). Tell each other about your upbringing and discuss things from the past that might get in the way of having a good relationship. Our ideas of marriage are often times based on the model our parents gave to us, and if that was an unhealthy model, it might affect our relationship with our spouse.
36). Learn how to express anger, disappointment, irritability, etc. in constructive ways. It’s good to take a break and calm down before trying to resolve issues. Some people want to continue talking in the heat of the moment, but that is not usually a healthy way to communicate with each other. Take a walk, give yourself a timeout in another room – do whatever you can to do some deep breathing. Discussion can be postponed for up to 12 hours, but any longer than that can create a whole different set of problems.
37). If you do seek marriage counseling, choose the counselor with extreme care. That person can actually do more damage to your relationship if they are not qualified to guide you in resolving your differences. Remember – counselors do not give advice. They do, however, help you to come up with your own solutions to your marital woes.
38). If you are an extrovert married to an introvert, please recognize the introvert gets their energy from time alone rather than in groups of people or doing certain activities outside of the home. You will never change him/her into becoming an extrovert, so just respect their need for alone time. However, if you are an introvert, you can’t use your need for quiet as a way of getting out of doing things with our spouse – you do have to participate in some things with the other one sometimes. It’s okay to decide how frequently you can go out of your comfort zone for each other’s benefit.
39). Remember – you can’t use explaining of your behaviors as an excuse to keep on doing that behavior.
40). Interrogation is a no-no. Compassionate inquiry is the way to go.
41). Speak words of encouragement to each other daily.
42). Emotional intimacy is important, as is physical intimacy. Both forms of intimacy are vulnerable gifts you give to each other.
43). Affirmations last a long time.
44). Letting each other know where you’re going and what time you’ll be back is a common courtesy. It’s not an issue of control.
45). Privacy is necessary. It’s far different than being secretive. Respect each other’s privacy, but don’t keep things secret from each other either.
46). Woah. The last one. Love one another, as the Lord loves you.
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