Unequal yoking of love in relationships

When I’m in the familiar role of relationships counsellor I’m often stunned at how unequal relationships are, and I’m not talking about the role of spiritual belief.

I’m talking about how one partner won’t bend the way of the other, where this other partner is used to doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.  One is more selfish than the other—it’s an unequal yoking because there’s always an inherent unfairness in the relationship.

Unequal yoking used to be a thing (and still is) for couples where there are inherent differences in faith, belief, and values, and is likely to cause conflict later.  It’s important too, and it corresponds to sharing equal willingness to work for the relationship and for each other, partners ‘yoked’ with the same spiritual commitment.  It’s crucial overall that both partners share equal willingness to work for the relationship and for each other.

Equal yoking is a term that emanates from oxen ploughing where two equally yoked oxen would do equal amount of work, ploughing effectively and efficiently, pulling together.  It’s no different in relationships.

Couples who show up and demonstrate an equal willingness to work in doing their own work in support of the other are more or less equally yoked.  But too many times I’ve been disappointed to find that one is not willing, and almost all the time I see the partner make up for the gap.  “If he won’t do it, someone has to do it.”

Unequal yoking is, however, not the fault of the partner making the relationship work by compensating for their selfish partner.  The truth is, they can’t be 150 percent adult to make up for the 50 percent adult in their partner in the key moments of the relationship.  Being mature, they deserve, and they need a mature partner.

Unless the partner who is selfish and lazy has a heart change there won’t be any hope of lasting change in the relationship, sad as that is to say.  I think the partner who has put up with poor commitment over the years already knows this.  Their choice is sad: put up with it or enter what seems and often is hard change to start over.

It’s annoying to me when I reflect on the priority that’s been placed on spiritual unequal yoking, when there are people who profess Christian faith who are as selfish and lazy as selfishness and laziness comes.  There are plenty of entitled Christians.  For me, it matters far more that the pragmatics of the relationship work so both partners can enjoy the fruit of partnership, which is support, which is love.

It all comes down to the willingness for one to sacrifice consistently for another.

If there’s no consistency in the sacrifice for the other, you need to question the love.  If there’s no consistency in the sacrifice, as a partner, you don’t feel as loved as you do when there is a consistency of sacrifice.

The very best in a relationship is when both partners attempt to outreach or outdo each other in their love.  Ironically, selfish and lazy entitled partners expect to be ‘loved on’ yet do little or nothing to reciprocate.

As a counsellor, it positively excites me when I see two partners willing to sacrifice for the other.  It can take some time to diagnose the opposite dynamic—that is, to see the lack of commitment in one partner—but it’s always sad to say, “I’m not sure I can help you.”  Sometimes it’s the case that the partner who’s being taken advantage of can see it clearer in counselling and this might equip them to make a decision.

People who show they consistently sacrifice and care for others are suited to partnership.  Others who can’t or won’t consistently sacrifice and care for others aren’t suited to partnership.  It’s about as simple as that.