“I keep apologising and then regretting it”

This is a very common dynamic.  One person in the relationship living with less responsibility, the other taking on too much.  Usually, though not always, at least in heterosexual relationships, it’s men who are the former and women who are the latter.

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Imagine the scenario that someone bumps into your car and damages it.  You’re really upset.  That car is your pride and joy... or perhaps it’s just your A-to-B car... the thing is you rely on it, and you’re going to be significantly inconvenienced.

For your damaged car, your expectation—and their responsibility—is that they’ll pay for the repairs.  They may even apologise.  Imagine, though, if they don’t do all of what they say they’ll do or worse they completely abscond or ignore you, taking no responsibility.

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It’s similar when you’re in a relationship.  The fuel of relationships is parties to relationships taking their responsibility.  Where one person refuses to take their share of responsibility, the other person is forced to make a choice—do they compensate or let it be?  Neither choice is optimal.

Sadly, too many people in those situations end up being 150 percent adult because the other person is only 50 percent adult.

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It’s like your car’s been dented and you must fix it on your own at your own cost when the person who did the damage refuses to do what they should.

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A problem then surfaces when the person doing all the compensating takes on emotional responsibility as well.

“I just don’t understand why I keep apologising only to regret it later, then I get angry, and when I do that, I’m suddenly the one in the wrong.

It’s a bit like someone bullying you in private and then you retaliate in public, and YOU’RE the one who gets into trouble—YOU’RE the one tagged as the bully!  All the while the real bully sniggers in the corner, loving their little game.

When I work with people who overly compensate in their relationships—in that they take too much responsibility, i.e., their partner’s share of the responsibility—I try to help them realise they have nothing to apologise for when they react emotionally when their partner refuses to do their own work, when they refuse to take their responsibility.

I try to help both understand that the one avoiding responsibility is principally the one responsible for those ‘overreactions’.

Of course, being people who want to cast the blame on others, they will not be happy when I divert the focus from where they want it to go (their partner) and back onto them.

If the relationship is to have any hope, we need to look at the causes of conflict, not the presenting symptoms.  Exasperation over someone not being responsible is a logical reaction to what shouldn’t happen in the first place.

When both partners behave like adults and take responsibility, there is space for hope, peace, and joy in the relationship.

But when one refuses to be an adult, and they avoid their responsibility, the relationship has little hope, peace, and joy.

Partners who are in relationships with people who don’t take responsibility are encouraged to not apologise for what isn’t theirs to own.