Understanding others is about accepting we cannot change them

There is a sharp dissonance between an attitude of wanting to understand others and actually achieving this ideal.  This is because, though we all seek to be understood, rarely do we seek to understand others to the extent we accept that we cannot change them.

The prime example here is the goal of much evangelism.  We think that if a person is going to be saved that they’ll be changed, or that our influence might somehow help them to improve as human beings.  This isn’t what God ever had in mind—being saved is simply acknowledging that we need God.  It has nothing whatsoever to do with self-improvement.

Discipleship, or following Jesus, is also nothing to do with self-improvement.

Discipleship is one-hundred percent Jesus focused; it’s walking humbly with our God.

But let me get back to the concept of truly understanding others, which is a concept of loving others that makes us trustworthy persons of peace—because we’re not trying to change them.  Not having a problem with a person is one of the best ways to build trust.

This might be hardest of all in our families.  Maybe there’s a child or a relationship or a brother or sister, a best friend, or a parent that we want to help.  We may justify that they need us; that our help is imperative.  If we can’t accept who they are, we’re the ones with the problem.

The more we try and help someone else be who they presently aren’t, the more futility we toy with.  It’s okay if they’re willing participants and they diligently want the coaching.  Otherwise, it’s a waste of time and effort.

What we do when we try to change someone, or we’re always nit-picking about something, is we’re telling them that we aren’t trustworthy.  That’s all we’re saying.

Because we don’t accept them as they are, we cannot understand them, and they’ll always feel misunderstood and disconnected from us.  But when we understand a person because we truly accept them for who they are—despite the decisions they make—the relationship flourishes and has incredible potential.

When we take our fellow human beings on as equals in EVERY way—despite our differences in age, gender, class, race, etc—we begin to live as disciples of Jesus.  Yes, it’s as simple as that.  Forget about your liberal and conservative stances.

Living as if everyone is an equal, that we’re no better or worse than the next person, is one way to live at peace, without needing to people-please on the one hand, and without lording it over others on the other.  It’s not easy achieving such a respect for all others, and we can only achieve this when we truly accept others as they are, where they are, how they are.

Accepting that we cannot change a person says a lot to that person.  It means they’re safe to just be with us, they don’t feel judged, criticised, and condemned.  Paradoxically, they may actually begin to care what we think because of the safety of trust that forms between us.

Loving others begins with our acceptance of them, and in the final analysis valuing others is how they feel loved.  Remember how Jesus said, “A new command I give you: love one another.”  Accepting others for who they are is understanding them, and doing this is the honouring of Jesus’ new command.