When your boundaries are weaponised as “unkindness” against you

In the frame of domestic violence, or violence in the workplace for that matter, it is common for abusers to resist the strength of boundaries as unkindness against them.

Try these out:

“How could you be so unkind?”

The unkindness they speak of is you saying no to their abuse of power and their exploitation of opportunities to attain or maintain that power that they feel quite entitled to.  It is an affront to them when you suggest anything that might equalise the power differential.  For them, it is only fair when they have an unfair advantage; they see that as fair.

You are not being unkind when you maturely stand and speak your boundaries, for the safety of yourself and others. What is unfair, however, is how you are brought to this place of having to stand on these issues, because it involves significant courage and in many situations it’s a risk.

Know that your boundaries are a necessary resistance, and that his resistance to your boundaries is further evidence of his insistence that he maintains the power.  Being called “unkind” is direct evidence of this.  In the balance of justice in the relationship, it would be difficult for your “unkindness” (best put as boundaries) to match his manipulation and misuse of power.

“After all I’ve done for you.”  

In other words, you owe them.  In their mind, they have given you more than you have given them, and that is justified in their minds, simply in the fact that you are lucky to have them.  All they can see is what they give you, and they see their abuse of power as their right and duty.

The fact is, they have been allowed to abuse for too long, which is all too common, because as victims of abuse we have no answer for it.  The only answer that works is the hardest answer of all, and that is to withdraw from them and the toxic situation, which brings significant extra pressure; not on them, but on you.

All relationships ought to be accorded the justice of peace because it’s a human right to feel safe.

When someone suggests they’ve done more for you than you’ve done for them, and you don’t feel safe in the relationship, you can readily see that this is further evidence of abuse.

“I don’t treat YOU this way.”

This is probably the most hypocritical statement of all.  The mere suggestion that they don’t treat you and others you care about and love in a harmful way is an abhorrent lie.

What can you say to counter this lie?  Well, know that your words will have no effect, and that the power is in knowing it’s a lie and not bothering to contend with words.  Abusers love the war of words.  It’s their home ground.  There’s more power for you in inaction than there is in arguing the point—knowing, again, that it’s important to reinforce within yourself that what he’s saying is evidence of his abuse.

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It’s the abuser who will gaslight what this article is saying by contending, “This is encouraging division and relationship separations and that’s not good.”

Unequally yoked relationships (see linked article for more) are not based on love or fairness and there needs to be accountability.  If there’s no desire or evidence of change where there needs to be change, it means the relationship must change.

** Use of “he” in this article is generic.