Listening in the mode of speaking

Our words are not always heard by others as we say them.

Without checking what we’ve communicated was heard the way it was intended, people can easily deduce an entirely different message from what we communicated.  This sheets home the importance of listening in a different way than we would otherwise listen—listening as if we’re the other person who’s listening.  It’s something we’re at least partially responsible for; to check other people understand what we’re saying.

The heart of communication is understanding.  The purpose is shared understanding.  When understanding is established, it offers the relationship the opportunity to transact in truth.  A shared truth.

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An example of this problem is in the utterance of encouragement that leaves another person quite discouraged.  I heard an author on radio mention the impact of a specific feedback on him.  He had one fan say to him that he particularly appreciated one specific scene in a play he had written, and the author secretly thought, “But you think the rest of it is rubbish, don’t you?”

It’s the same when someone carries two versions of self-talk, a logical one with an illogical one.  This is a very common phenomenon.  I think most of us have held two opposite truths in tension simultaneously.

It’s so easy for a person to know a truth in their own mind only to be assailed frequently by thoughts that are destructively opposite.

Many people know they are worthy of love whilst also feeling unworthy of it.  Both, at the same time.  And it can be rather exhausting holding these two opposites in tension.  It’s reasonable for a person to serve others and give them their time whilst also feeling they’re a burden to everyone.  It’s exhausting though to know that you’re worthy of other people’s time and effort without feeling worthy of it.

Unless we ensure our encouragement is heard the way we have said it and mean it, by checking, without being forceful, we can’t guarantee it is heard as encouragement.

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If we want others to operate on the right information, it’s always best to check our message has been received as we intended.  By taking the time and care to check, we create intimacy.  But we also need to make sure that in checking we don’t manipulate or coerce situations.

We can also be proactive in checking with others that we have received their message the way that they intended.  This shows them that we care about what they are trying to communicate.

There’s probably no better way of building trust with others than caring about what they’re actually saying.  And not just caring about what they’re saying but also ACCEPTING what they’re saying.

When we’re interested in what others are saying AND we also accept what they say, we communicate that we’re safe, and there’s no greater gift we can give another person.

Only when we check another’s understanding do we give them the opportunity to respond to what we really mean.

We all have a role in checking what people understood by things that are said.  But of course checking is also reciprocal on feeling safe with the person.  If we don’t feel safe, we’re less likely to take such a relational risk

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When we listen in the mode of speaking, we hear ourselves, our tone, our modulation; what we could mean as others receive us.  Listening while we speak is a vital part of listening.

Listening isn’t just about listening to others, it’s also about listening to ourselves, not to justify ourselves, but to empathise with others in what they hear us say.