There are 5 stages of grief, are there 5 stages of forgiveness?

When we consider the five stages of grief, there are probably five stages for many complex processes, and the process of forgiveness can be just as arduous and mysterious as the process of grief—and indeed on many occasions forgiveness is interwoven with grief.

Here is a proposal for five stages of forgiveness:

1.     CONFUSION – “WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?”

It is utterly to be expected that those situations that we are called to forgive will at times flummox us.  There are situations where we are beyond being able to understand why people have done what they’ve done, and why people will either not take responsibility or fail to adequately and sincerely apologise.

Much of our initial confusion will come down to the surprise element, but just as much of our confusion can linger for such a long time.  This is especially the case when there is a compounding of the betrayal of abuse, where there is no justice.  Whenever we are triggered for trauma, perhaps we enter this early-stage confusion for what we experience in the triggered moment from what we experienced initially as the trauma.

2.    BITTERNESS – “HOW COULD SUCH A THING OCCUR?”

What qualifies us to speak in terms of forgiveness and its difficulties is having been in impossible situations.

It’s not until we have been in that place of grieving bitterness, where we have no way of comprehending why a thing was done to us or against us, and why justice continues to allude us, that we realistically comprehend the magnitude of some situations where forgiveness feels impossible.

Bitterness, in this way, is not only to be expected, but it is also a process of suffering that comparatively few have the misfortune to experience.  Little wonder so few understand.  In this way, such bitterness is instructive, however, because it gives us an empathy for those who suffer abuse that few can touch.

This bitterness of the second stage is equivalent to the anger in grief.  It is the real, full-blown experience of the emotions for what has taken place, and these feelings are not to be discounted or “bypassed,” on the contrary, they are to be validated.  Tremendous healing power prevails right there, IN the validation.

3.    ATTEMPTING – “WHEN WILL MY ATTEMPTS STICK?”

Throughout the process of endeavouring to forgive there are inevitably multiple times where we try and fail for forgiveness to stick.  This is a journey of a pendulum between hope and despair and back to hope again before we try on a little more despair.

The point is that we are trying.

The point is that there is a heart in us to overcome this.

That there is an attitude of forgiveness or wanting to come to a peace about the matter is enough.  As we roll through the inevitable topsy-turvy journey of finding that peace and acceptance in our hearts, we learn that our efforts speak as much for tenacity and intestinal fortitude as anything.

Attempting, while it’s frustrating, is about the heart, and it’s something to admire, because all those who continue to attempt and keep attempting ultimately overcome.

Take heart that you’re on the journey of overcoming.  It will certainly come to be.

4.    DEPRESSION – “WILL I EVER FINALLY ARRIVE?”

Depression for the situations of bitterness and injustice and attempting we find ourselves in, regaling in this way in some situations for many years, is just so understandable.

This journey of forgiving the reprehensible thing that was done to us is one of the hardest challenges we will ever have to face.  It’s understandable that it will take us to the end of our tether.  It’s comprehensible that we will suffer our mental-ill-health days.

Nothing makes our tenacity and intestinal fortitude stand out more than enduring the depths of depression for the injustices that rail against us.  Those who overcome depression develop a depth of understanding and empathy few can match.

5.    GRACE – “IT WAS WORTH IT FOR WHAT I HAVE LEARNED”

Interspersed along the way there are periods of grace, just like there are periods of acceptance that we try on in the stages of grief.

Grace, like acceptance, doesn’t stick until it sticks, and that’s the truth of it.  Grace is the ultimate understanding and acceptance of the importance of extending mercy to others because of the mercy that has been extended to us—in Christ.

There’s no pressure to arrive at this cherished halcyon of destinations, because there is always a lot to learn along the journey.

Nobody, and I mean nobody, ever, ought to expect that we’d just “arrive” at the grace of forgiveness.

~

What a journey life is that we must wrestle long and hard to come to peace with situations that occurred against us.  But the fact is, injustice is common to all of us, and perhaps it is the biggest challenge of all to overcome, to arrive at a place of forgiving the trespass against us, even as our trespasses are no longer counted against us—in Christ.