Assumptions, fuel for conflict, death to relationships

“He just went off at me!   I then just sought to reiterate my case, and then he said, ‘Stop back chatting me!’   I was just trying to bring the temperature down, far out!”

All this had transpired due to a camper assuming it was okay to chop and change from one campsite to another—each site had slightly different facilities and this camper wanted the best of both.

Her partner then chimed in, “We know that nobody was in that bay as the van in that one left after only one night and they’d booked three—there is space.  They would not have updated the website that quick—he [the camp host] was just being difficult.”

There is more, much more, to this practice of assumption making in the realm of relationships.

In this situation, it’s clear that this couple were emblematic of people who bend the rules to suit themselves, always disadvantaging others.

A SLIGHTLY FORENSIC ANALYSIS OF ASSUMPTIONS

Notice how laden both statements were with assumptions.

Notice how assumptions always operate in the favour of those who are assuming things—never do they operate in the favour of others.

Notice how assumptions always require something of others—assumptions never offer anything good to others even if part of the justification of the assumption is, “Man, look what I’ve done for you!”

Notice the abject lack of introspection in this comment.  Layered within assumption is often a gaslight of, “Hey, I did YOU a favour (they didn’t, actually, they transgressed), I looked out for YOU (no, they didn’t, they only looked to their own self-interest), so why are YOU being so unkind?” (the gaslight comes as the punchline at the end—the guilt-laden insinuation that THEY are the ones done wrong.

Gaslighters really turn the emotion screws, are incredulous, manipulative, uncompromising.

Flipping the script is crazy making unless you’re certain and remain firm about what occurred.  If something occurred that caught you by surprise, chances are that something was amiss with the communication—it wasn’t your imagining that you’ve missed something vital.

The truth is, the one making the assumption operated on “information” they nor you had.

They created “information” (alternative “facts”) to suit their purposes and dupe you out of yours.  They decided how it would be for you, leaving you no choice but to accept what they’ve decided and done.

Put like this, you can see the disrespect in such behaviour, the entitlement, and their audacity that YOU are the treacherous one should you gently yet firmly challenge them with the truth.  Again, right there, is the gaslight.

Assumptions at base are a defence of behaviour, the refusal to be held to account, and the inability to accept responsibility for one’s actions.  The worse the behaviour in these terms, the less likely a fair and equitable relationship is possible.

~

Everyone makes assumptions, and like every sin, all can be forgiven IF there’s contrition.

It’s the person who defends their assumption, who defends their behaviour and who refuses to acknowledge their wrong that makes the assumption the harmful instrument of wrong it is in conflict.

One of the marks of a good relationship is the ability to keep short account.  Parties to the relationship should be able to speak truth in love so the other has a chance to rectify wrongs—even better than this is keeping/holding ourselves to account.

~

People who make these kinds of assumptions often live very well by their own rules and expect others to follow suit.  These kinds of behaviours are an attempt to rewrite truth, and that itself is gaslighting.

Be wary of any “relationship” where the only one who’s allowed to define truth is them.