The crushing circumstance in depression

I like dark music that evokes the rawest emotions, and I think the urge to listen to music that would take me in a moment to the abyss is something of a transport that takes me back to times when I was stuck there.  It’s as if I want to go back there to connect with the hopeless helplessness I was caught in during those times.

There’s something resplendently horrific and wrong with those circumstances in depression that cannot be changed but can be not-so-simply endured.  Yet so many times good comes from it.

A paradox enters the psyche in the fact of a lament that won’t go away.  Stuck there, you’re taken to a depth further below than you’d ever willingly go to.  You’d almost expect to be suffocated by it.  Then you find, though you aren’t, suffocating is exactly how it feels, but it doesn’t kill you.  It’s the strangest time of finding life amid death, simply in the fact of going there and bearing it.

The crushing circumstance that can’t be changed in depression is a rude awakening where stuff has happened, and the consequences of all of what went down continue to regale irrepressibly.  It’s like a storm front that continues to batter against the promenade of our identity.

It’s so difficult to describe how it feels to be continually crushed in a cycle that so resembles the punishing tide of emotion that rolls in hard and eases back, only to crush us again and again.  You know as relief gives way to the flood tide, the ebbing nature of the waves that turn their back is soon a flooding nature again.  Soon enough the depression stage of grief returns where energy is once again sapped, and those thoughts for waking are the most reprehensible and nightmarish on the planet.  Some of those waking up moments are the worst imaginable.

No matter how much you’re told to sit and absorb the pain you can’t.  The pain for what cannot be changed courses through you.  Oh the value of a person who will loan you their presence—they’re crucial in these seasons if only they’re available and willing.

Of a sense there’s the need for others to draw from, whether it’s confidence, faith, hope, peace, a burden with the edge taken off it.  Such support can feel of great value, yet there are times when no matter how effective the support it doesn’t help one iota, but still there’s the discernment in a person to say, “Please stay, I’m grateful to have you with me,” even when it’s not working.

Know that when life’s the toughest it’s ever been or can be, and there’s nothing tougher than full blown depression, as you get through one moment at a time, you’re sowing up resilience you know nothing about in those moments.  Ironies of paradoxes of enigmas, at such a time when you have N-O-T-H-I-N-G you also have everything in a life experience that sees that if you cannot be conquered in this, nothing can crush you.

What crushes a person that doesn’t crush them proves to the person that crushing can’t crush them.  You need to be there and walk the entire journey to relate.