8 ways wives subtly try to get through to their husbands before they quit

My motives are to awaken communication and understanding in marriages, to re-create that connection that’s missing between spouses.

There are no doubt countless ways that a spouse might try to get the attention of their partner in endeavouring to breathe hope into a flailing marriage, but first, let’s acknowledge that these dynamics are usually years in the making.  They can be patterns so worn into the marriage that the partner who’s “deaf” to the presence of problems is completely blindsided at best, though that’s also an incredulous idea to the one who has tried so many things to establish a true understanding of how they’ve felt for a very long time.

I’m posturing this as what a wife will be trying to communicate to the husband because that’s the most common dynamic I see.

Here are eight ways wives try to get through to their husbands:

1.             They speak to them directly and they’re rebuffed, ignored, or misunderstood.  The conversation doesn’t go anything like the wife plans it.  It’s a further discouragement.  The worst thing that can occur in this attempt is a fight breaks out.  This is oh so tragic when the wife is trying her best to woo her husband to her.

2.             A wife might try to get a friend to speak to her husband, especially someone that has the trust of both in the couple.  Though this happens, for a variety of reasons this is generally ill-advised.  The husband stands to become very disenfranchised if he isn’t already.

3.             Books are bought or podcasts are subscribed to — or articles like this are shared — in the futile attempt to win his attention.  He might watch (or read) these and externalise matters as “not a problem I’ve got,” or he says to his wife, “What are you trying to say?”

4.             A wife might try aspirational encouragement through notes and gifts designed to entice the husband toward acting out those kind words they’re writing, like, “You’re incredibly thoughtful when you think of me...” and the husband receives these as “all’s good” or “that was a bit weird,” but all the same, she’s trying to get through!  What a wife’s trying to do here is create an awareness in her husband of, “I’m not really what she’s saying of me at all — I/things need to improve.”

5.             When she’s more desperate to reach him, a wife will send hints all kinds of ways in the frantic attempt to get his attention OR to justify, “See, he’s not listening and not interested!” (It’s usually the former, but the latter shows how exasperated the wife is).

6.             Especially when there’s a last-ditch attempt to go on that romantic getaway holiday, a wife is trying her hardest to wake her husband up from his slumber.  This can backfire badly if the problems in the marriage become more prominent in the time away.

7.             When a wife begins to share marriage horror stories with her husband, she’s holding up a mirror to him as if to say, “This is us...” — but he is unlikely to get it.

8.             There are also attempts to create some distance of her own to see if he’s even noticed she’s not around as much.  This feels like a real betrayal when he doesn’t.  When he’s not affected at all.

What have I left out?

As I said, this is just a few things I’ve seen.  The tragic thing is the marriage ought to stand for something intimate and important to both partners, but for one it’s an arrangement of convenience, or at least it’s become that way.

One of the marks that the heart isn’t in the marriage — and this was me! — is when a man says, “Just tell me what I need to do, and I’ll do it.”  What that says to a wife is her husband is only interested in “keeping the peace” and isn’t sufficiently engaged in the intimate and passionate business of the marriage.

The main thing I’m saying to men in all this is, what’s required of you is a step change, a transformation, not just a little tweak here and there.  Just don’t be disheartened, because the change your wife wants is the change deep down that you should want too.  It’s a journey of faith that’s required.  And it’s not just your wife and you that will prosper, your family prospers too, and there isn’t the collateral damage of, “Your father and I are separating and divorcing,” which is hard on family.

For those who have been through the tragedy of this kind of crisis, and it’s breathed life into your marriage, I celebrate you.  Your strength and humility, and your faith in each other, is to be praised.