A husband who controls his wife, sabotages his own happiness

It’s infuriating how basic this is, and yet there are so many husbands (and the occasional wife) who insist on having their marriage on their own terms to the chagrin of their wife (or husband) and children.

Nine times out of ten these dynamics play out where the husband is the control agent, and perhaps one time out of ten it’s the wife.  Whoever engages in manipulation and gaslighting, existing to control and coerce, wreaks havoc and ultimately destruction.  I’m hoping to speak to the husbands (or ex-husbands) who use their families as pawns.

The message is this: you obviously have such a self-interest it causes you to control those you ought to otherwise love.  The irony is your controlling people will only put your happiness further away than ever.

A husband can control his wife in so many ways, and the most common of those ways is financial, emotional, overbearing physically, socially restrictive, spiritually, and through plain neglect, often in ways where he withdraws his affection.

Such a husband uses the resources he has against his wife, his time, his money, his attention, and his affection.  Such a husband never realises that the more he hates her, the more he hates himself.  And the more he seems to hate his own children, the more he despises himself.  The key test of these relationships is what the wife and children say when they’re allowed to be honest.  When a man wants things on his own terms and insists he is right, he has no chance of turning those he hurts around to trust him.

A husband who controls his wife 
sabotages his own happiness.

It’s the same rule right throughout life.  We must give away what we cannot keep to gain what we cannot lose.  The more we give away in material terms, the more we stand to gain in spiritual terms.  The more a husband submits to serving his wife (or ex-wife) and family, the more he will reap in joys beyond him otherwise, and the more he will be a hero to them.  Indeed, this service is his leadership role — he leads through serving them.

There is a place of heart where a person is most satisfied in having the least.  When there’s nothing to fight over, there is great joy because nothing can be taken from you.  They say joy is an inside job, and that is exactly what I’m talking about.  We can never control people and feel happy about that because we only breed angst.

Every husband would be blessed if only they had the knowledge of wisdom to give away what they insist upon, to relinquish control because they saw the folly in it, and to work with those in their lives harmoniously.  But of course, this is a place of the heart, and the heart either sees or it does not see.

When a heart sees its wrong, 
the heart repents, and 
what results is beautiful!

A heart compelled to give to another person in the submission of service is a heart that generally wins back the cherished gift of trust.  The only way to win the trust of a person who does not yet trust us, or who has stopped trusting us, is to find ways of serving that person.  When they know in terms of the relationship that we exist to ensure they are satisfied, trust is built or rebuilt.  They must be able to see our heart is FOR them.  This is a heart motivated to serve the other person — and that’s the essence of love.

The biggest test is for those husbands who have already lost their marriages.  If they don’t learn how to submit to serving their ex-wife, they will fail again in serving a future wife.  When an ex-husband continues to blame their ex-wife, he not only hurts his children, but he also hurts himself, and he will go on living a very disempowered blameworthy life.

The wisdom of life is in relationships, harmonious relationships.  The folly in selfishness is its short-sightedness as a plan.  It always backfires.  It always not only leads to misery for those who are controlled, it leads to misery for the controller.

~

All this applies to all relationships where there are dynamics of control.

Bosses or workers at workplaces, leaders and members of churches, administrators and players of sports, etc.

Wherever people relate with people there are those who naturally feel threatened and feel the need to behave in threatening ways as a result.  They need control, because to allow another person to exist on their own terms requires far too much vulnerability.

The sign of a controlling relationship is those being controlled feel unsafe.

The message is clear to most of us who would read this, but those who need to heed this message probably won’t.

What a miracle it is when a person can see their own heart, and their need of repentance, because that brings life.

The greatest irony of all is that 
those who give away their control 
end up being the freest people alive.

NOTE: this article is NOT saying that it’s only men and husbands who do the controlling. You will find these dynamics of control working against the person engaging in the controlling behaviour in both men and women, husbands and wives.  Anybody who engages in control over their partner wreaks trauma on those who are controlled.